Mom Island

Just like so many other women out there who are moms, I have learned what it feels like to be on Mom Island. You know, that place where no one speaks your language, you are surrounded by crying and other attempts at basic communication, and even though you have a phone and a car somehow you feel alone. So naturally you do not acknowledge the lonely feelings. Instead you simply get up and tackle the day the same way you always do. You meet the needs of everyone else around you who depends on you and do the best job you know how. And if you are anything like me, you are the only one who sees all the stressors running in the background. You are the only one who feels pressures from every angle but keeps going as if Ring around the Rosy IS your only concern.

Just as I anticipated the beginning of 2014 to be challenging, it has proven me right! Before this year even started I told myself I would reach out to others more and I would ask for help if I needed it. And once again I have not done this....until last week. I found myself driving for miles after my "E" light came on with no plans to stop for gas. Call it almost-8-months-pregnant hormones, call it exhaustion from a 2 year old that wont stay in his new big boy bed at night, or call it good old self pity I don't know, but I reached that point where I just plain ran out of gas. As usual I turned to God with an even greater focus and attention than I (sadly) allow for most days. As I prayed I began to realize that He has put so many amazing, Christian friends in my life. People who would be sad to know that I was holding back from leaning on them in the hectic times because I don't want to burden them. I put myself in their shoes for a moment and thought about how great it makes me feel when God uses me to bless others. It is the best feeling when I am able to be there to support someone who needs a hand. So I did that thing we moms find more difficult than shouldering the weight of the world with a smile on our faces. I reached out and asked for help. Well, for prayers really. I actually used my phone to have a real conversation about how much I am struggling and sent a couple texts asking for prayer (hey, its 2014, its what we do!). Of course, I had to preface these messages with "I am ok" and "no one died" because it is so rare that we women reach out for emotional support that others seem to think the worst when we do! Its sad really. But let me just tell you what our God did for me. He reminded me that He purposefully placed people in my life who would love to be there to listen and pray for me. And He sent more comfort and encouragement than I could have asked for.

I have had friends cook amazing, homemade dinners and invite me over, I have been offered babysitting (which I actually took them up on) and saw a movie (NOT animated even!), I have had visitors, play dates, and phone calls. God has truly blessed me with friends who are the perfect examples of what Christian friendships should be. I feel guilty sometimes for getting to that point when I know that God is always by my side each and every moment and yet I sometimes feel alone. I hate that my faith feels lacking in times like that. But its incredibly comforting to know that He will send the right people into my life at the right times so that I may experience His love and encouragement in a human way. I wanted to share my recent experiences in hopes that others out there on their own Mom Island might have the courage to reach out. I imagine God has strategically placed at least one person in your life who is ready to listen and pray and give you that hug you need. Its amazing what such a small gesture can do to lighten the load.

Servanthood

What has been on my mind more than anything these days is something I struggle to articulate. A mission, a calling, a struggle.....something that seems so basic and blasé to the average Christian that many skim right over it.....being a servant. I know what you are thinking: of course I know, Jesus came to serve and is our shining example as Christians of how we should serve each other as servants of Christ. That is why you try to help out at church when you can or give your neighbor a hand when you can find a minute. I have felt that way my whole life, you know, looking for ways I can help others and thinking about ways I could volunteer some time. All while pursuing my next promotion/raise or better paying job, finishing my degree, and improving my home (things) and my look (hair, makeup, teeth whitening, etc). Much of my twenties was spent on self improvement. It was not all bad, I mean, I did accomplish a lot. I did grow up and learn a lot about myself. I even focused on spiritual growth which I admit was not always top priority in my day to day actions.

All of the corporate ladder climbing, up-all-night-studying, pressure to maintain a 4.0 and graduate, has led me here. A stay-at-home mom with a home daycare. Glamorous I know. No more getting up in the morning and putting on clothes that make me feel important, no more important title to slap on a business card, no more big commission check to make me feel accomplished. A full blown conversation is even rare in my days! Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about my life at all. I chose this and continue to choose it each and every day. I would not change it for anything. My question to God is, why this? What in this time of my life am I to learn? How can I grow and become the person you intend for me to be? How does this stage prepare me for the next? The answer is, I am learning to serve. Anytime I feel frustrated, impatient, or unimportant I can see how I am failing to be a true servant. I start to feel down when I look for recognition, reward, and all the other ego-boosting things we get when we wear a sign (aka a post on facebook) that says "Hey look at me I just helped someone with a flat tire!" or "Hey, I just volunteered at the food bank!" When I crave to have the skin, body, wardrobe, title, and recognition I once had; that is when I get in trouble. My daily accomplishments can seem mundane and pointless at times without viewing the whole picture. No one is here to say thank you mommy for picking up all those toys for the tenth time today so we can see the floor! And what may be the biggest pity party I throw is how society views someone like me as someone without a "real job" or worse, lazy.

There is a point, or several points, in all this rambling I promise! It takes me digging inside and seeking God daily to keep me in the right frame of mind and get over the self-serving desires so prevalent in my flesh! I am doing God's work every day. I am not washing feet, but I am changing diapers. I am not becoming an executive, but I am caring for the 4 most important people in the world each and every day. And the times I start to feel insignificant or unhappy I have to check my focus. If I am focused on recognition I have failed to find my significance in Christ and if I am busy pursuing self-serving happiness I lose sight of the joy that fills my soul when I seek God's will. Most of you have probably read Mark 9:35: "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else." But yet we would all still much rather be important - or FEEL important. I am no exception. I certainly let pride hinder me from becoming a servant of Christ. It is interesting that my evolution of self looks an awful lot like de-evolution from the outside looking in. I will close with something interesting I stumbled across after writing this:

"...we need to understand this aspiration for status actually stems from a failure to rest in one’s significance in the Savior. When Christians fail to rest in who they are in Christ, they will constantly be battling the need for importance or significance from within their own desires and felt needs." (bible.org)

Back at it!

Throughout my first pregnancy and for the first 18 months after my son was born I was in what I like to refer to as a "baby fog". I mean, life revolved around his naps and nursing. Especially since I had decided to be a stay at home mom, my purpose became to meet his needs and be the best parent I could be. And that takes all your energy when you never sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time! Something happened when my son turned 18 months old though. First off I weaned him (well, he really weaned himself), and he started sleeping through the night consistently. It was only then that I realized the fog my brain was in - I guess I must have gotten used to it. I actually got to SLEEP for the first time in what felt like a lifetime! My brain started missing all the personal growth and development I was so dedicated to prior to my little bundle of joy. I guess my capacity for learning and thinking in general was back in full force. That is one thing that inspired me to start this blog. The old me was back, only better. Better because now I have a whole new element of depth to my character. A whole new understanding of love. A new perspective on the things I am capable of and most of all, a new outlook on who I am.

So here I am now 21 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and a funny thing has happened - my brain chemistry has shifted again! I am nesting, resting, and fully consumed by preparing for a new life and dynamic in our household. Its not on purpose either. We do not force ourselves to start preparing for a baby in the home. It is not about the check list of things to do before the due date. No, it is chemical--hormonal. I am in awe of how God has orchestrated nature and maternal instincts. As that baby grows for 9 months so does a mother's soul. If you stop and pay attention you can really feel it. Your needs and wants start to change. You change.

I have always felt that "I don't have time" is not really a valid excuse for most things in life because we make time for the things that are important to us. So, as I think about what has prevented me from blogging more regularly it is easy to say I do not have time, but it is more accurate to say I am fully inundated with motherhood! It has never been my intention to blog all about mommy topics. I want to inspire anyone, especially mothers, to dig down deep into your soul and examine the person you are and who you aspire to become. But as of now my soul is nurturing my three heartbeats and fueling my ability to pull off the amazing things mothers do day in and day out. Being a mom is so much more than the things we do, it is an experience. So, I will continue to write and let this take whichever direction it is meant to take. It will change, evolve, and grow because I continue to do all of those things. I hope that you will follow along with me! Oh and by the way, its a girl :-)

Faith-building pregnancy

Well I hope everyone else had a relaxing, stress-free Thanksgiving like I did! With hectic schedules, swirling thoughts, and to-do lists it is so nice to take a step back and play cards, eat, and laugh. As laid back and my husband and I both are, I must admit, our plates have been full lately (and not just because of the turkey and pie!). Even with the pressure I seem to put on my own shoulders, I am so grateful I have faith in my corner reminding me that something so much greater than us is working this all out for good.
I have gone back and forth as to whether or not I should share a recent experience and I decided that it just might help someone out there going through something similar. And in starting a blog, I knew the purpose was to be real. We all have enough fluff in life. So here goes! For one agonizing night I was SURE that I had lost the baby I am newly pregnant with. I wont get into the details but all signs pointed to miscarriage. Up until that moment I had no idea just how attached I had become to this little life that I had never seen or even heard the heartbeat of. I was absolutely heartbroken. I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for early the next morning so I just laid in bed and prayed and cried all night. What surprised me about myself was the fact that in my heart I thanked God. I thanked Him for allowing me to find out about the pregnancy so early so that I had more time to love the little one. Most people are not even aware they are pregnant for 6-8 weeks and here I was 9 weeks along and had known about and loved this baby for 6 whole weeks. In spite of the sadness I knew that God has a purpose and a plan. I felt so much empathy for all the women out there who have gone through the experience of a miscarriage. My husband and I gathered up our toddler and soberly headed to the doctor at 7:30 the next morning. I could barely hold the tears at bay while explaining to her what happened that night before. After the normal doctor routine she said "let's just take a look." She was quiet for a moment and turned the screen toward me and said "well, there is your baby!" I immediately burst into tears which made my son burst in to tears. She turned up the volume so we could all hear the most amazing sounding heartbeat I have ever heard. I am just so very, very blessed that the outcome in my case has turned out to be what we had hoped. And so shocked since I had honestly prepared myself for the worst.
I thought being pregnant for the second time would be fairly uneventful and a little "old shoe". I realize now more than ever what a faith-building experience pregnancy truly is. In most situations we can at least fool ourselves in to believing we have control. There is quite literally nothing you can do while pregnant but put your faith in God that all of the millions of elements go just right and you end up with a healthy baby. I have been to a specialist several times and will continue for a while, but so far no definitive answers as to what happened that night. It seems this pregnancy will be anything but "old shoe." It is already completely different from my first. It has grabbed hold of my thoughts and forced me to slow down. Once again the brain chemistry of a mother is forever changed. It is so interesting to examine self and discover such dramatic changes in focus. Networking, future career building out there in the "real world", and goal setting to achieve my next level of success has been replaced with the need to nurture and protect. Fixing my hair, plucking my eyebrows, and looking presentable used to be so much higher on the priority list! Of course I agree that mom's need to take care of themselves and not put everyone and everything else first leaving you drained, but now I understand the frumpy moms I have seen at the grocery stores all these years...because I am one ha!

Messy life

First of all I want to thank all of you for reading my blog and for the support and kind words from those of you who have reached out to me. I am very much enjoying doing this and pray God continues to provide me with meaningful content and the ability to express what is in my heart so that others can connect and relate. And maybe even help someone else see a different angle in a situation they are dealing with in their own life. I sometimes put this pressure on myself to have some words of wisdom or an outlook at the end of an experience that reflects God's working in my life. At this moment I can't say that I have any words of wisdom. I do not have an experience to share that I was able to come through on the other side and reflect upon my personal growth. Reason being: I am currently in the thick of so many things God is walking me through. I am not yet sure exactly what it is He is showing me and how it will all change me. What I do know is that it will. It is. And he is in control of it all and is working it all out for good.

What makes a really great blog is that it is open and real. Some things I am going through are so deeply personal that my still amateur-blogging-status is not sure how to approach it. I hope you will stick with me in spite of my short comings! First off, recently I have been brought to that place in life where faith is quite literally the only thing I have to hold on to. And thank goodness I have that! I trust His plan, I trust that everything happens for a reason and although I may not understand what that is, my faith and trust is in Him completely. I will share the full story in the weeks to come, but know that if you are also dealing with a situation that is so totally out of your hands all you can do is pray--you are not alone!

Second, my patience has been pushed to its absolute limits and I must admit, it needs some work! I mean, sure as a mom of a toddler my patience is tested daily! But I am talking about the kind of patience it takes when you know HUGE, life-altering changes are just around the corner and as hard as you pray for the answers, God's answer is "just wait." So I thank Him for these trials that force growth and maturity. The "but I want it NOW" attitude has certainly grown to "any day now Lord....whenever You are ready of course" ;-) I am happy that I have peace in my heart about it and I do not doubt for a moment that the changes will reflect the will of God. It is the waiting that gets me!

And finally, the third big one I am in the thick of is the growing pains that come along with stretching those love muscles again. As it says in Luke:

 ³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that."

It is easy to do in theory, but in real life, things can get hairy. I have found that approaching relationships with others with a spirit of humility is helping smooth out what could be a very bumpy road. Pride and self-righteousness get us no where when dealing with others. Regardless of the attitude coming from the other side, I have an opportunity to demonstrate a Christian response and I am happy for that opportunity. To whom much is given much is required and I have certainly been given A LOT in my life. Through it all I am leaning on Him more than ever and I am grateful that I am not in control of all of this for it would certainly be one giant disaster!

On being thankful

The recurring theme God keeps bringing to my attention in life right now is to be thankful in all things. Sure, a basic Christian concept we all strive to do. But here is the thing: While it always crosses my mind to thank Him when tough things happen in my life; I seem to have a little internal struggle with it. Not because I am unwilling, not because I am angry, bitter, or even upset! Follow my thought process and maybe you can work through this with me right here, right now.

So, God knows our heart. He knows us inside and out...better than we know ourselves. Here I am dealing with a stressful situation in my life and I am praying hard and leaning on God. I am full of faith that all will work out according to His plan. I am reminded to be thankful in all things. But I almost feel guilty thanking God when in my heart I don't FEEL so thankful this is happening to me. Of course I WANT to feel thankful and I do pray the words, but God knows my heart. He knows that I want so badly to feel as much thanksgiving as I do for the blessings in life, but how do you get to that level of faith? Maturity? Growth? Here I am stuck WANTING to be thankful, thanking God with my brain, but feeling guilty that the thanks has not fully penetrated my heart. Does He see right through my "thanks" and think "nice try"? Maybe this sounds silly but this has been an honest to goodness internal struggle for me!

It has just been this week that I started to realize that my practice in thanking Him through the challenges is my training ground for that growth I desire and so desperately need. It has become an automatic response to thank God when stressors enter my life. That is a step in and of itself! Now as my head and my lips respond correctly, I believe my heart will follow. I believe that God will honor my desire for a deeper understanding of Him and work on changing the resistance in my heart. Somewhere inside there must still be a child pouting "but its nor fair!" There must still exist a self-protecting little one in me that wants to protect my "rights" and my "things"--as if I have control over them in the first place. I find solace in knowing that Job, Ezekiel, and even Jeremiah dealt with similar feelings early in their ministries. Thankfully God does not call perfect people to work for Him. Thankfully He uses the willing, calls the imperfect, and (in love) reveals the condition of our hearts so that we might learn to overcome our imperfections.

Instincts

So often I hear people say, regarding morals and religion, "I just do what feels right" or "I follow my gut." But when your gut is full of flesh mixed with carnal instincts how can we possibly blindly follow that guidance? Sometimes God's will is uncomfortable. Oftentimes He leads us in a direction that doesn't feel so "right" at first. That's why we struggle so much with following His leading--we second guess Him. Our flesh desires the exact opposite and our "logic" convinces us that we surely heard God wrong--especially when the road gets tough!

There is an interesting duality I have discovered inside of me since becoming a mom. The side of me that has parental instincts that are good and must be followed, and the side of me with fleshly desires and instincts I must learn to overcome. Let me explain by first telling the story of my night last night. For the past few weeks my nearly-2-year old son has been waking up at least once in the middle of the night crying. It seems his only goal is to get me to go into his room because the moment I do he lays right back down and goes to sleep. If I don't however, he is quite persistent! So last night my husband says "we have to stop going in there or he is never going to quit. Just let him cry." Sounds logical....unless you're a mom! I laid there feeling those strings being yanked in my heart for a good 20 minutes (which of course felt like 2 hours). My gut kept telling me I needed to go check on him, but my logic was on board with my hubby. Finally my husband decides he will get up. Little man goes right back to sleep, awesome! Except not even 10 minutes later he is up crying again. Could be he didn't get his way in making mommy come in there, but something told me it was something else this time. I went in there and sure enough, poor guys diaper was too full and he was soaked. Pj's, blankets, sheets, everything! After changing everything he laid right back down and slept the rest of the night.

In so many instances parents absolutely need to follow their instincts. It may be something as small as a too-wet diaper or a much bigger issue. Second guessing that parental instinct often gets us in trouble. We are so in tuned with our children we "just know" when something is off. I sure wish the Holy Spirit wasn't so still and quiet sometimes making it hard to hear over the noise of the flesh! I am praying to become more sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. To recognize its leading as clearly and as urgently as I feel and anticipate the needs of my child. I pray that I grow and evolve to a place where just as my body has a visceral reaction to the cry of my son, so does my spirit to the whisper of the our Father. To have no choice but to act upon His call. For my obedience instinct to become as automatic as my mommy instinct. Not to trust my flesh and live life doing what FEELS GOOD, but doing what IS good in spite of how it feels. More trust, more obedience, more faith.

Thanks to my son for wetting through your diaper so that I am wide awake at 2:30am to hear the Holy Spirit whisper and feel the pen inspired. Glad I didn't sleep through this one!