Surrender

Thoughts have been swirling and spinning, emotions swirling right under the surface for weeks and then I read this article: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/the-one-life-dream-that-makes-a-girl-blush/print
I read it three times to be exact, cried, and then laid in bed unable to sleep. Now here I sit in a quiet house with my laptop and prayers in response to the emotion of it all.....

In my early twenties, I most definitely did the eye roll when it came to thinking about a woman with no career or personal aspirations outside of the role of wife and mother. Didn't she want to "be" something? Didn't she want to achieve success? As if, “just” having a family is somehow not enough. My mom raised 6 kids and for the most part, didn't work a traditional job outside of the home. She supported my Dad's ministry work and occasionally worked outside the home to help make ends meet, but raising us and maintaining our home was certainly beyond a full time job. I respect my mother more than any other woman on earth. She is the best mom and wife I’ve ever known and I aspire to be more like her each and every day. My friends even agreed growing up that she had the patience of a saint and we often referred to her as Mother Theresa with a mix of Betty Crocker. She is smart, kind, meek but at the same time the absolute strongest woman I know. As if her quietness is a super power, not bragging, not complaining, not seeking attention. She works her fingers and her heart down to the bone and yet still hums while she works. So why was I so determined to be different? Why is it that I needed to prove to this world and myself that I am smart, strong, and capable…..but in all the ways that society deems so? Part of it is the desire to forge my own path, make my own way in this world, and find my own identity. But somewhere along the way, the backwards feminist culture of today had seeped in whispering, "there's more and you can and should have it all."

So I set out determined that I could and would have it all. Be everything to everyone and highly successful at all of it. I'd prove my worth by going out and achieving (yes, I am an enneagram 3). Successful career at an abnormally young age? Yep, aren't I exceptional? Moving up the ranks to important titles and big paychecks, yet again before my peers? Yep, aren't I really talented, important, and valuable? Big, bold moves and challenges galore? I got it, I don’t need anyone to take care of me. 4.0 in college? Of course, I am not just a hard worker or good enough at flirting to climb the ranks in corporate (like a jealous coworker had told me). Deep down I always knew, in my soul, that beauty fades. Youth has an expiration date. It’s the substance behind the face and smile that will remain. That substance must be made of grit, determination, smarts (street and booksmarts), and a love for others as well as myself. So I sought it everywhere I could. I worked to prove I was more than a pretty face and not too young to accomplish anything.

Motherhood was something I always wanted, but not until I proved to the world that I chose it over all of the other “real” opportunities I had created for myself. And if I chose to be “just a mom” for a period of time, it would not be because I didn’t have other options. And I certainly wouldn’t lose my drive or identity just because I chose to be a mom. I’d be a great mom, but I wouldn’t live to pick crumbs up off the floor my teenagers dropped as they flew out the door to hang out with their friends and have nothing left of my old self when they left home. Not me. I HAD my identity and it wouldn’t be lost to marriage or children. Then I became a mom. Not just a mom, but I stay-at-home mom with student loans galore. Insert biggest reality check/identity crisis I could imagine. Turns out that identity I had worked so hard to create was pretty wrapped up in achievement and a paycheck. It's been eight years now of self-worth struggle. Of self growth and discovery along with dying daily. I could recap 8 years of struggle and difficulty, ah-ha moments and breakthroughs, tears and glasses of wine just to get through. But at this moment, at 2AM the night before my kids go back to school from winter break,God is working. He is giving me glimpses behind the curtain I have been so desperate to peek behind. In trying to capture this experience in words, so many clichés keep coming to mind that I have heard a thousand times and never held much weight until now when they reached me viscerally. Suddenly it strikes me that its moments like these that prompt the phrases that eventually become cliche'. They lose their meaning because they are passed along without the experience to go along with it. "Beauty is found in simplicity", "blessed to be a blessing", "beauty is only skin deep", "home is where the heart is". Now I want to repeat so many but somehow they fall flat. Because when God moves, when He works inside a heart, it is so much more powerful than a catchy phrase could ever do justice.

“Do not be conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”…..had one meaning as a teenager viewing the world from the outside looking in. It has an entirely different meaning after your view of life, self, and others has largely been conformed to this world whether you’d like to admit it or not. But isn't that the purpose of transformation? To be changed from one thing to another? Directly following the warning not to be conformed to this world is an invitation to be transformed. It’s as if He knew we wouldn’t heed his warning in the first place. Isn't it the light that reveals the darkness? Isn't it our sin that gives us a glimpse into the magnitude of grace?

My proof of worthiness and value to the world has always been displayed in medals around my neck, titles on my business card, zeros on my paycheck, “summa cum laude” on my 45K piece of paper. The irony is I have always sought God’s will, always prayerfully, constantly sought wisdom, yet it’s all filtered through my own hazy lens. The ones that looks outward more than inward, that seeks external validation because it feels good, the one that finds comfort and happiness in what I can achieve (i.e. control). I desperately want to be a (big) part of building the kingdom of God on earth, but I am not sure I’d recognize my role if it smacked me in the face because for some reason I have a preconceived notion of what it should look like. Being “just a mom” in this season certainly can't be it. I am surely wasting what youth I have left worrying about groceries and how to stay fit while NOT advancing His kingdom at all. Frustrating, lonely, clueless, and stuck, I live achievement-to -achievement getting my “fix”. Beating myself up for not being content, for wanting more when I already don’t manage what I have well.

My idea of who and what is important to God has gotten skewed. I am not entirely sure when the false messages penetrated my heart but little by little they did. Polished, well spoken, pretty, smart, driven, charitable, perfect wives, mothers, and friends....these are the ones God can use on a platform for changing the world. You know, like…..no one. Like absolutely no one.

Right here, right now in my too-tired, but inspired state. I am weary, I am emotional, and I closer to God than I have been in ages. Tonight, I comforted my 8 year old when he couldn’t sleep because he “felt funny” and some digging revealed he worries about what would happen if Daddy and I die. I laid with him and listened and snuggled until he fell asleep. As I am typing this my 5 year old is stumbling down the stairs in a half-sleep stupor looking for more snuggles like a gravitational pull between her heart and mine. I looked them in the eye a few hours ago and explained to them that parents are not perfect, that grown ups make mistakes, and reminded them that God is working on me just like he is working on them. I reminded them of 2 days ago when I seriously lost my cool and I apologized and asked their forgiveness. I promised to do better and grow just like they are doing their best to learn and grow. The looks on their faces are forever burned into my mind. The absolute love, trust, and forgiveness. The joy and love in our exchange. These moments are it. No Instagram picture to post, nothing for anyone to like and share, possibly a fleeting moment they won't consciously remember later in life. But oh so much more meaningful than a walk across a stage, an accolade, award, or promotion. One thousand people could be standing and clapping for something I did and then the moment is gone. Both moments are gone, both may be forgotten. So which was more meaningful? Which brings a touch of heaven to earth? Which makes the Lord’s heart swell with pride? He is love. My greatest opportunity to show and experience love in even the slightest resemblance to God’s love is through my family.

My word this year is surrender. I am surrendering my plans, my goals, my self-centered achievement-based goals that I set to prove my value and worth. Honestly, I have no idea what to do with myself or how to feel. I pulled back from my part-time job a bit purposefully a year ago which is what set this all in motion. I knew I was tying up my self-worth in accomplishments there too. It's a pattern, a habit that must die. I replaced some of the time with running and a big goal of a big marathon – more achievement. That could be a pacifier for my need to achieve. After all, it’s healthy, right? It kept my mind off feeling like a loser and focusing on what emotionally felt like failure in my business. Now I mourn the loss of that goal and try hard not feel the weight of failure again as my injury has me sidelined. Now here I am, a new year, a new decade – a time when my former self would absolutely thrive on setting huge goals and going after more than ever, but instead I sit, quiet, uncomfortable, a little lost, and very unsure of what to even set my sights on. This is not like me. The old me in there wants to scramble and grasp for my next achievement fix to replace this empty feeling inside of me. But no, not this time. This time, I surrender. I read that one more bedtime story and stay a minute longer. I sit unsure of what might happen with not only my career but my husband’s. I lean into prayer in a way I haven't before. The silence feels just a tiny bit less like loneliness. I read the line from that article over and over again: “become the woman that you are becoming and not who you thought you’d be.” I am supposed to be great. I am supposed to be high achieving, successful, and known. Now I surrender. Who am I becoming? Who has God created me to be? If I channeled the drive, desires, and all the qualities He put in me exactly in alignment with His will, what would it look like? Would it look exactly like my life right now except my perspective has changed? Could he steer my ship a whole lot easier if I would stop grabbing the wheel and taking us off course? Is my family and my God getting the very best of me? Am I becoming the best version of myself? I know that zero achievement and not setting any goals is not the answer, but for the moment I am in detox. I am learning what it means to separate my "doing" from my "being".

The "five more minutes mom", the grammar help, the "I love you infinity's", the "will you pray for me’s", the Starbucks and messy bun conversations, the drives across 4 states for a mint and a lemon…..these are the moments I miss when I am too busy chasing my worth.

“Are you done chasing false fulfillment and worldly happiness my child? Are you tired of the never ending race that no one wins? I am here in your surrender, I am here in your rest, I didn’t design your life to be important I designed it to be mine and that my child is worth everything to me.”