Digging in deep

Jesus had plenty of opposition. Plenty of people who thought negatively about him. People who thought he was crazy, misguided, or even blasphemous. He had followers, those who loved him, followed him, and recognized him as the son of God. But those who didn’t despised Him. In spite of those out to get him, he never let any of the negativity throw him off course. Nothing derailed him from his mission. He pressed on with dignity and peace in his heart knowing that he had more important things than to argue or defend a position. It seems people today like to talk a big game about not letting “haters” get them down. It is almost welcoming to have some opposition to give us an opportunity to prove just how much we don’t care about what others think. In fact, when the negativity comes we simply write those people off as lesser, insignificant people--people not worth our time. We are the “bigger” people right? With our big egos and our puffed out chests marching on with our heads held high and subsequent noses in the air. Putting those people right where they belong….under our shoes as we move on forging relationships with only those who support us in our blindness. Those who pat our backs and celebrate our stupidity, who either don’t recognize character flaws because character is not a criteria in which we measure relationships or simple sweep them under the rug for the sake of smooth sailing for all.

I am blessed to have a network of friends who is loving and supportive. True people in my life who care and who demonstrate depth, strength, character, and love. But somehow I am starting to wonder if a person can really be this blessed or if a part of it is blindness. Follow me here. Am I surrounded by support and love at every turn because my fragile ego cannot handle the reality of opposition that comes with true growth? Never facing a fear does not mean that they do not exist right? It means you either avoid facing them at all costs or you have cocooned yourself into such a comfortable existence that you are able to ignore them completely. Is this truly a blessing? A person who is never faced with fears…should we envy them or pity them? Where is the forced growth? Where is the accomplishment? Where is the maturing of faith? How about encountering people who misunderstand your intentions? People who see you differently than you see yourself? Whether those people are right or wrong – being misunderstood, having your feelings hurt, being questioned – aren’t those character-building situations? Doesn’t opposition make us stronger? I train with weights; I understand the importance of resistance.

 I have struggles in life don’t get me wrong but why is God allowing me to use the 5lb dumbbells? Why am in the shallow end of the pool with floaties on? Who am I to sit back and complain about not having an outlet to share how special I am? Isn’t that really what it is when I wonder what is this grand calling of mine? My ego wondering when I will get some sort of status or recognition…for what? I don’t know. For living a life of privilege? For being spoon fed challenges in small enough bites to chew and swallow before getting more? Deep in the layers of desire to give and serve, is there a selfishness that wants recognition and status? Does reaching out really feel like reaching down from my privileged status to fulfill a need of my own? If a strong head wind came at me do I have what it takes to stand in faith, peaceful and fierce in spirit? Or would I crumple and fall because I haven’t trained with real weights? Am I hiding from the messiness, the toughness, the raw realness where God dwells? Is my nose just a bit too high to be grounded? Have I taken Him for granted? Ignored His ever presence in my life? Have I set my God up on the shelf next to the picture frame and candle only passing by every once in a while to dust Him off when I think of it?

I can’t live in this boring, safe, dusty grey area another second or I might explode!

One of the least

I don't know if its being a mom in general or being one of young children, but so many days I feel myself stuck in this bubble. Thoughts consumed, fires to put out, constant crying, arguing, noise of all kinds....it makes it difficult to see the big picture--or any picture at all for that matter. Some days I feel like I'm cruising along staring straight at the ground and forget to look up until I find myself kissing a closed glass door. Suddenly something reminds me that there is a great big world out there full of much bigger problems than how stained my carpet is. God is so good and so patient with me. He has this perfect way of being gentle yet gripping my soul with conviction. Subtle yet conspicuous enough to stand tall behind the distracting little feet that pitter patter around me all day. I catch wind of a need and the still small voice says "hey, you can fill that need." I make eye contact with the homeless man on the corner and his piercing blue eyes cut through to my soul and God whispers "how about that cash you have in your wallet?" Then a friend gives me a book recommendation and of all the books I'd like to read He says, "that one." I can and I will stop making excuses about why I cant do more now and look up to see the opportunities placed right in front of me. Today. Right now. I don't need to be more spiritual, more rich, more rested, or less busy. I have resources because I have a willing heart. I have ability because God has more than met my needs. Its not about rolling down my window and handing over $5 and patting myself on the back or feeling good about ME. It is about seizing every opportunity to give what I have because that is what we are here for. It is not just about filling a need, but about love.

I will not tell the whole story because the last thing I need is carnal pride tainting a beautiful experience, but I will say I recently had a chance to do something for someone who could never do for themselves. God used me to bless them in a way that I know touched their soul. God reminded someone that they are loved and not forgotten. I am not going to lie, it felt good to be a part of that. But the reason I was able to help in such a way is because of love. When I reflect upon past experiences in which I knew God used me to reach someone I realize that He seems to continually forge real and loving friendships between me and the most unlikely people. From the outside looking in, some friendships might really make you laugh. Or simple wonder what in the world could SHE have in common with HIM or HER? But that is really the fun of all this, you know.....life stuff. Because as long as there is love in your heart, that is all the commonality you need. Love and acceptance often fills a bigger need than a few dollars to buy food.

I can (and often do) drive myself crazy wondering what my life will look like as my kids grow. What career will I have? Will I have one? What is God's plan for me? I start to dream of all these things I could do and realize it would take 5 lifetimes to accomplish them all - then get frustrated that life doesn't allow for any of them right now. Then I am back to praying for guidance and an clear understanding of where He wants me to be. Only half-realizing that this is exactly where He wants me to be. Feeling a little lost, a little scattered, a little unimportant and unaccomplished. Somehow this lump of clay will become just what it is meant to be one day. But in the mean time, I listen for his whispers and simply say yes. And for now He is whispering Matthew 25:40 over and over....

shut up and who cares....yes, me

So the new household budget cuts are going well and we are all adjusting to saying no (mostly to ourselves) and staying focused on the goal ahead. I am excited to say that the first full official month of our new system has passed and I managed to have $32 left. I feel very accomplished! As I make adjustments and this new lifestyle becomes normal, I find my mind wandering to my next personal challenge. Maybe it's a sickness I have? An addiction to personal challenges? It most likely comes from having an education and career driven/athlete inside laying dormant at the moment! Nevertheless, it seems these days I cannot keep my mind from criticizing my every flaw and getting frustrated with myself. I realize this sort of focus is not helpful and certainly not positive so today I am asking myself what exactly am I frustrated about. What is it that I do, or do not do, that is not in line with who I am - or who I want to become? Negativity is not somewhere I like to camp out, but for a moment I am going to allow myself to explore these emotions and get some specific areas to focus on. Yes, this is personal. More like a journal entry than a blog and even as I type I have no idea if I will actually publish it, but if you are reading this I invite you to come along with me.

The older I get, the more I learn. The more comfortable and secure I am in who I am and what I believe. That is good. I have always been a good listener and encourager and I would like to think I give good advice when solicited. I've been conscious of delivery and take into account how what I say would be received and have empathy toward others. I am not certain the change is drastic enough to be noticed by others, but that confidence and certainty in certain thoughts and beliefs have lead me to be more outspoken than I normally am. This leaves me questioning how much my opinions have been solicited lately and how many have been freely offered. It has left me questioning if I still have the sensitivity and grace I had in my younger years. So one area I'd like to work on is to shut up! Ha! That is my a simplistic way of quoting Proverbs 21:23: "He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles." This observation may also come from a place of sensitivity within me because I feel sometimes too many words find their way to me and it doesn't make me feel how I would want someone leaving my company to feel. When I was younger I kept my mouth shut a lot out of insecurity and fear. I did not want to sound stupid and didn't necessary think my opinion mattered. I am glad I have matured enough to realize I do have a voice and something of worth to say. Now I need to examine what and how I say things and make sure they are good and true and are said with the right intentions and spirit.

Next frustration, and maybe others can relate, is letting too much from "out there" in the world bother me. Others judgments, especially those I don't even know, should not effect me like they do. Perfect strangers looking down on me (or people like me in some way) should not make me sad or change how I feel about myself. I guess its that little people-pleaser inside that wants everyone to be happy. Its unrealistic. In order to even attempt to please others you often sacrifice yourself and that is not ok with me. Intellectually I understand I could never make everyone happy, but I still struggle with the thought of others not being happy with me. I was once described by someone (whom I was just getting to know) as water. She said my personality is one that "flows" very easily with those around me and I promote harmony and thrive when there is peace surrounding me. I had never thought of myself in that way, but the more I consider that, the more I see that she is right. I want everyone, above everything else, to feel loved and accepted by me. To not feel judged or offended by me. That sometimes leads to a little too much sensitivity to how I am perceived. Basically, caring too much what other people think! Just as it is written in Galatians 1:10 "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Social media only contributes to this issue of comparing ourselves to others and feeling not only the need to put ourselves "out there" but be cognisant of how others perceive us and what they think. So much comes through our "newsfeed" to pull our attention away from what really matters. If we are not careful we (meaning I) will end up putting entirely too much time and energy into the fake world.

As I work through this in my head I realize the contradiction of my observations. On one hand I'm confident and secure in who I am and on the other I'm insecure. I guess that is the dichotomy of being human! My area of focus for now is to stop looking outward. To look inward and upward each day. Train myself to lean on God more especially in those moments I feel I  need justification. To meditate on the Word and pray for guidance and strength when I feel weakness creeping in. To be there for others in the way He expects of us as Christians but not as a know-it-all. "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips" Psalm 141:3. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" Psalm 19:14.

More than frugal

I have always been one of those people who felt if you are not growing you are dying. From the time I can remember I have wanted to learn, wanted to push myself, wanted to know and understand things. I have journal entries from when I was 12 years old examining life. I didn't think about boys or being popular or pretty. I thought about who I was as  person. Who I wanted to be. And how I was going to get there. I had athletic goals both short term and long term that I didn't need anyone to hold me accountable to because it absolutely killed me to not reach them. This naturally spilled over into life after sports and became education, career, and life goals/growth. I may not have hit every one and there were adjustments made along the way, but giving up was never a thought that crossed my mind. It was almost a feeling of panic inside to think about not achieving the goals I set for myself. At no time was there ever a person I was afraid would be disappointed in me or somehow think differently of me. I have loving parents, I had supportive coaches, and great friends who believed in me. I was just born with a drive inside my soul that makes me crave achievement, need milestones, love progress, and have to do my very best.

Its really a good thing I didn't have kids in my early 20's because as hard as it is to balance those character traits with being a stay at home mom to two little ones now, at 31, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for me back then. Raising them and watching them grow every day is worth every single sacrifice and more, but I am who I am and it is sometimes very hard to not have those specific short and long term goals set for myself. I have always said without a target how can you hit the bulls eye? Its not as though being a stay at home mom doesn't allow for any personal goals, but they look very different now and I am still adjusting to the change. I mean I try to get to the gym and I certainly want to be fit like I used to be, but if I have to choose between the class at the gym or tucking my kids in bed, Goodnight Moon wins every time. And I push myself to cook so many healthy meals per week because lets face it, I am no Betty Crocker.

It has taken me 2.5 years to come to this place of being ok with not knowing what my future career will look like and when I will have it. To realize that my current challenge is to simply enjoy the stage of life I am in and not constantly feel like it is not enough. To be ok not contributing to the household finances, but realize all that I do is worth more than, and not measured by, dollars. What is fun and interesting is how I am growing in so many other ways that I may not have had I never become a stay at home mom in the first place. My virtues are tested each and every day. Can I remain patient with my kids, myself, and others when I am pushed to my limits? Can I reflect God's love when I feel judged or attacked in the ways I choose to parent? Am I joyful when life gets tough?

My current area of focus is temperance and self control. For 2.5 months we have been on a very strict budget so that we can complete our own version of Dave Ramsey's financial freedom strategy. We have committed to a plan that will take us roughly 2 years to achieve. I have quickly realized this plan is about so much more than saving money and paying off debt. Its about saying "no" to things I want but don't need. It means uncovering idols in my heart I didn't realize were there and dealing with that nasty issue of greed I like to ignore. I have always been frugal and haven't carried a balance on a credit card in over 10 years, so I didn't think this plan would be all that bad. But of course I should have known that this was not really about me wanting to free up some money each month to give us breathing room financially. No, this is God's way of building character and forcing me to grow (and grow up) in new ways. Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity, so I am uncovering ways in which I needed to grow up! I am happy to say the first couple of months have gone really well and I am adjusting to an even more frugal lifestyle. Now to see if the spending itch gets the better of me as time goes on. Of course back to the "I will achieve any goal I set for myself" personality..... somehow I anticipate satisfaction with each month I am able to stay within the budget (or even just a little under cause lets face it, I'm a bit of an over achiever haha).

I wish I could say we were instantly rewarded for our efforts and initial minor success, but of course the moment we committed to all this we encountered a setback. Hello Murphy, must you always pop up with your annoying laws? The day after we made our first big "get her started" payment, the challenges began. After a month of sickness sweeping through our house (that merits its own blog), we now have roughly $6K - $7K more in debt in the form of medical bills! I can't help but laugh (now that my kids are ok) because I see God's hand in it all. I mean, it can't be simple or easy right? I am not sure how we are going to adjust, stay on track, and be able to afford the medical bills but I know that it is possible and there will be made a way. I will move forward with joy and faithfulness and continue to say no to my inner selfish consumer who looks for happiness in things. I will continue to look for fulfillment in a simple life and find ways to teach and entertain my kids for free. I am excited to see how the next 2 years changes me for the better.

"A virtue is a right inner disposition, and a disposition is a tendency to act in certain ways. Disposition is more basic, lasting and pervasive than the particular motive or intention behind a certain action. It differs from a sudden impulse in being a settled habit of mind, an internalized and often reflective trait. Virtues are general character traits that provide inner sanctions on our particular motives, intentions and outward conduct.^"

 

^{Arthur F. Holmes}