More than frugal

I have always been one of those people who felt if you are not growing you are dying. From the time I can remember I have wanted to learn, wanted to push myself, wanted to know and understand things. I have journal entries from when I was 12 years old examining life. I didn't think about boys or being popular or pretty. I thought about who I was as  person. Who I wanted to be. And how I was going to get there. I had athletic goals both short term and long term that I didn't need anyone to hold me accountable to because it absolutely killed me to not reach them. This naturally spilled over into life after sports and became education, career, and life goals/growth. I may not have hit every one and there were adjustments made along the way, but giving up was never a thought that crossed my mind. It was almost a feeling of panic inside to think about not achieving the goals I set for myself. At no time was there ever a person I was afraid would be disappointed in me or somehow think differently of me. I have loving parents, I had supportive coaches, and great friends who believed in me. I was just born with a drive inside my soul that makes me crave achievement, need milestones, love progress, and have to do my very best.

Its really a good thing I didn't have kids in my early 20's because as hard as it is to balance those character traits with being a stay at home mom to two little ones now, at 31, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for me back then. Raising them and watching them grow every day is worth every single sacrifice and more, but I am who I am and it is sometimes very hard to not have those specific short and long term goals set for myself. I have always said without a target how can you hit the bulls eye? Its not as though being a stay at home mom doesn't allow for any personal goals, but they look very different now and I am still adjusting to the change. I mean I try to get to the gym and I certainly want to be fit like I used to be, but if I have to choose between the class at the gym or tucking my kids in bed, Goodnight Moon wins every time. And I push myself to cook so many healthy meals per week because lets face it, I am no Betty Crocker.

It has taken me 2.5 years to come to this place of being ok with not knowing what my future career will look like and when I will have it. To realize that my current challenge is to simply enjoy the stage of life I am in and not constantly feel like it is not enough. To be ok not contributing to the household finances, but realize all that I do is worth more than, and not measured by, dollars. What is fun and interesting is how I am growing in so many other ways that I may not have had I never become a stay at home mom in the first place. My virtues are tested each and every day. Can I remain patient with my kids, myself, and others when I am pushed to my limits? Can I reflect God's love when I feel judged or attacked in the ways I choose to parent? Am I joyful when life gets tough?

My current area of focus is temperance and self control. For 2.5 months we have been on a very strict budget so that we can complete our own version of Dave Ramsey's financial freedom strategy. We have committed to a plan that will take us roughly 2 years to achieve. I have quickly realized this plan is about so much more than saving money and paying off debt. Its about saying "no" to things I want but don't need. It means uncovering idols in my heart I didn't realize were there and dealing with that nasty issue of greed I like to ignore. I have always been frugal and haven't carried a balance on a credit card in over 10 years, so I didn't think this plan would be all that bad. But of course I should have known that this was not really about me wanting to free up some money each month to give us breathing room financially. No, this is God's way of building character and forcing me to grow (and grow up) in new ways. Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity, so I am uncovering ways in which I needed to grow up! I am happy to say the first couple of months have gone really well and I am adjusting to an even more frugal lifestyle. Now to see if the spending itch gets the better of me as time goes on. Of course back to the "I will achieve any goal I set for myself" personality..... somehow I anticipate satisfaction with each month I am able to stay within the budget (or even just a little under cause lets face it, I'm a bit of an over achiever haha).

I wish I could say we were instantly rewarded for our efforts and initial minor success, but of course the moment we committed to all this we encountered a setback. Hello Murphy, must you always pop up with your annoying laws? The day after we made our first big "get her started" payment, the challenges began. After a month of sickness sweeping through our house (that merits its own blog), we now have roughly $6K - $7K more in debt in the form of medical bills! I can't help but laugh (now that my kids are ok) because I see God's hand in it all. I mean, it can't be simple or easy right? I am not sure how we are going to adjust, stay on track, and be able to afford the medical bills but I know that it is possible and there will be made a way. I will move forward with joy and faithfulness and continue to say no to my inner selfish consumer who looks for happiness in things. I will continue to look for fulfillment in a simple life and find ways to teach and entertain my kids for free. I am excited to see how the next 2 years changes me for the better.

"A virtue is a right inner disposition, and a disposition is a tendency to act in certain ways. Disposition is more basic, lasting and pervasive than the particular motive or intention behind a certain action. It differs from a sudden impulse in being a settled habit of mind, an internalized and often reflective trait. Virtues are general character traits that provide inner sanctions on our particular motives, intentions and outward conduct.^"

 

^{Arthur F. Holmes}