So the new household budget cuts are going well and we are all adjusting to saying no (mostly to ourselves) and staying focused on the goal ahead. I am excited to say that the first full official month of our new system has passed and I managed to have $32 left. I feel very accomplished! As I make adjustments and this new lifestyle becomes normal, I find my mind wandering to my next personal challenge. Maybe it's a sickness I have? An addiction to personal challenges? It most likely comes from having an education and career driven/athlete inside laying dormant at the moment! Nevertheless, it seems these days I cannot keep my mind from criticizing my every flaw and getting frustrated with myself. I realize this sort of focus is not helpful and certainly not positive so today I am asking myself what exactly am I frustrated about. What is it that I do, or do not do, that is not in line with who I am - or who I want to become? Negativity is not somewhere I like to camp out, but for a moment I am going to allow myself to explore these emotions and get some specific areas to focus on. Yes, this is personal. More like a journal entry than a blog and even as I type I have no idea if I will actually publish it, but if you are reading this I invite you to come along with me.
The older I get, the more I learn. The more comfortable and secure I am in who I am and what I believe. That is good. I have always been a good listener and encourager and I would like to think I give good advice when solicited. I've been conscious of delivery and take into account how what I say would be received and have empathy toward others. I am not certain the change is drastic enough to be noticed by others, but that confidence and certainty in certain thoughts and beliefs have lead me to be more outspoken than I normally am. This leaves me questioning how much my opinions have been solicited lately and how many have been freely offered. It has left me questioning if I still have the sensitivity and grace I had in my younger years. So one area I'd like to work on is to shut up! Ha! That is my a simplistic way of quoting Proverbs 21:23: "He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles." This observation may also come from a place of sensitivity within me because I feel sometimes too many words find their way to me and it doesn't make me feel how I would want someone leaving my company to feel. When I was younger I kept my mouth shut a lot out of insecurity and fear. I did not want to sound stupid and didn't necessary think my opinion mattered. I am glad I have matured enough to realize I do have a voice and something of worth to say. Now I need to examine what and how I say things and make sure they are good and true and are said with the right intentions and spirit.
Next frustration, and maybe others can relate, is letting too much from "out there" in the world bother me. Others judgments, especially those I don't even know, should not effect me like they do. Perfect strangers looking down on me (or people like me in some way) should not make me sad or change how I feel about myself. I guess its that little people-pleaser inside that wants everyone to be happy. Its unrealistic. In order to even attempt to please others you often sacrifice yourself and that is not ok with me. Intellectually I understand I could never make everyone happy, but I still struggle with the thought of others not being happy with me. I was once described by someone (whom I was just getting to know) as water. She said my personality is one that "flows" very easily with those around me and I promote harmony and thrive when there is peace surrounding me. I had never thought of myself in that way, but the more I consider that, the more I see that she is right. I want everyone, above everything else, to feel loved and accepted by me. To not feel judged or offended by me. That sometimes leads to a little too much sensitivity to how I am perceived. Basically, caring too much what other people think! Just as it is written in Galatians 1:10 "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Social media only contributes to this issue of comparing ourselves to others and feeling not only the need to put ourselves "out there" but be cognisant of how others perceive us and what they think. So much comes through our "newsfeed" to pull our attention away from what really matters. If we are not careful we (meaning I) will end up putting entirely too much time and energy into the fake world.
As I work through this in my head I realize the contradiction of my observations. On one hand I'm confident and secure in who I am and on the other I'm insecure. I guess that is the dichotomy of being human! My area of focus for now is to stop looking outward. To look inward and upward each day. Train myself to lean on God more especially in those moments I feel I need justification. To meditate on the Word and pray for guidance and strength when I feel weakness creeping in. To be there for others in the way He expects of us as Christians but not as a know-it-all. "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips" Psalm 141:3. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" Psalm 19:14.
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