Digging in deep

Jesus had plenty of opposition. Plenty of people who thought negatively about him. People who thought he was crazy, misguided, or even blasphemous. He had followers, those who loved him, followed him, and recognized him as the son of God. But those who didn’t despised Him. In spite of those out to get him, he never let any of the negativity throw him off course. Nothing derailed him from his mission. He pressed on with dignity and peace in his heart knowing that he had more important things than to argue or defend a position. It seems people today like to talk a big game about not letting “haters” get them down. It is almost welcoming to have some opposition to give us an opportunity to prove just how much we don’t care about what others think. In fact, when the negativity comes we simply write those people off as lesser, insignificant people--people not worth our time. We are the “bigger” people right? With our big egos and our puffed out chests marching on with our heads held high and subsequent noses in the air. Putting those people right where they belong….under our shoes as we move on forging relationships with only those who support us in our blindness. Those who pat our backs and celebrate our stupidity, who either don’t recognize character flaws because character is not a criteria in which we measure relationships or simple sweep them under the rug for the sake of smooth sailing for all.

I am blessed to have a network of friends who is loving and supportive. True people in my life who care and who demonstrate depth, strength, character, and love. But somehow I am starting to wonder if a person can really be this blessed or if a part of it is blindness. Follow me here. Am I surrounded by support and love at every turn because my fragile ego cannot handle the reality of opposition that comes with true growth? Never facing a fear does not mean that they do not exist right? It means you either avoid facing them at all costs or you have cocooned yourself into such a comfortable existence that you are able to ignore them completely. Is this truly a blessing? A person who is never faced with fears…should we envy them or pity them? Where is the forced growth? Where is the accomplishment? Where is the maturing of faith? How about encountering people who misunderstand your intentions? People who see you differently than you see yourself? Whether those people are right or wrong – being misunderstood, having your feelings hurt, being questioned – aren’t those character-building situations? Doesn’t opposition make us stronger? I train with weights; I understand the importance of resistance.

 I have struggles in life don’t get me wrong but why is God allowing me to use the 5lb dumbbells? Why am in the shallow end of the pool with floaties on? Who am I to sit back and complain about not having an outlet to share how special I am? Isn’t that really what it is when I wonder what is this grand calling of mine? My ego wondering when I will get some sort of status or recognition…for what? I don’t know. For living a life of privilege? For being spoon fed challenges in small enough bites to chew and swallow before getting more? Deep in the layers of desire to give and serve, is there a selfishness that wants recognition and status? Does reaching out really feel like reaching down from my privileged status to fulfill a need of my own? If a strong head wind came at me do I have what it takes to stand in faith, peaceful and fierce in spirit? Or would I crumple and fall because I haven’t trained with real weights? Am I hiding from the messiness, the toughness, the raw realness where God dwells? Is my nose just a bit too high to be grounded? Have I taken Him for granted? Ignored His ever presence in my life? Have I set my God up on the shelf next to the picture frame and candle only passing by every once in a while to dust Him off when I think of it?

I can’t live in this boring, safe, dusty grey area another second or I might explode!

One of the least

I don't know if its being a mom in general or being one of young children, but so many days I feel myself stuck in this bubble. Thoughts consumed, fires to put out, constant crying, arguing, noise of all kinds....it makes it difficult to see the big picture--or any picture at all for that matter. Some days I feel like I'm cruising along staring straight at the ground and forget to look up until I find myself kissing a closed glass door. Suddenly something reminds me that there is a great big world out there full of much bigger problems than how stained my carpet is. God is so good and so patient with me. He has this perfect way of being gentle yet gripping my soul with conviction. Subtle yet conspicuous enough to stand tall behind the distracting little feet that pitter patter around me all day. I catch wind of a need and the still small voice says "hey, you can fill that need." I make eye contact with the homeless man on the corner and his piercing blue eyes cut through to my soul and God whispers "how about that cash you have in your wallet?" Then a friend gives me a book recommendation and of all the books I'd like to read He says, "that one." I can and I will stop making excuses about why I cant do more now and look up to see the opportunities placed right in front of me. Today. Right now. I don't need to be more spiritual, more rich, more rested, or less busy. I have resources because I have a willing heart. I have ability because God has more than met my needs. Its not about rolling down my window and handing over $5 and patting myself on the back or feeling good about ME. It is about seizing every opportunity to give what I have because that is what we are here for. It is not just about filling a need, but about love.

I will not tell the whole story because the last thing I need is carnal pride tainting a beautiful experience, but I will say I recently had a chance to do something for someone who could never do for themselves. God used me to bless them in a way that I know touched their soul. God reminded someone that they are loved and not forgotten. I am not going to lie, it felt good to be a part of that. But the reason I was able to help in such a way is because of love. When I reflect upon past experiences in which I knew God used me to reach someone I realize that He seems to continually forge real and loving friendships between me and the most unlikely people. From the outside looking in, some friendships might really make you laugh. Or simple wonder what in the world could SHE have in common with HIM or HER? But that is really the fun of all this, you know.....life stuff. Because as long as there is love in your heart, that is all the commonality you need. Love and acceptance often fills a bigger need than a few dollars to buy food.

I can (and often do) drive myself crazy wondering what my life will look like as my kids grow. What career will I have? Will I have one? What is God's plan for me? I start to dream of all these things I could do and realize it would take 5 lifetimes to accomplish them all - then get frustrated that life doesn't allow for any of them right now. Then I am back to praying for guidance and an clear understanding of where He wants me to be. Only half-realizing that this is exactly where He wants me to be. Feeling a little lost, a little scattered, a little unimportant and unaccomplished. Somehow this lump of clay will become just what it is meant to be one day. But in the mean time, I listen for his whispers and simply say yes. And for now He is whispering Matthew 25:40 over and over....

shut up and who cares....yes, me

So the new household budget cuts are going well and we are all adjusting to saying no (mostly to ourselves) and staying focused on the goal ahead. I am excited to say that the first full official month of our new system has passed and I managed to have $32 left. I feel very accomplished! As I make adjustments and this new lifestyle becomes normal, I find my mind wandering to my next personal challenge. Maybe it's a sickness I have? An addiction to personal challenges? It most likely comes from having an education and career driven/athlete inside laying dormant at the moment! Nevertheless, it seems these days I cannot keep my mind from criticizing my every flaw and getting frustrated with myself. I realize this sort of focus is not helpful and certainly not positive so today I am asking myself what exactly am I frustrated about. What is it that I do, or do not do, that is not in line with who I am - or who I want to become? Negativity is not somewhere I like to camp out, but for a moment I am going to allow myself to explore these emotions and get some specific areas to focus on. Yes, this is personal. More like a journal entry than a blog and even as I type I have no idea if I will actually publish it, but if you are reading this I invite you to come along with me.

The older I get, the more I learn. The more comfortable and secure I am in who I am and what I believe. That is good. I have always been a good listener and encourager and I would like to think I give good advice when solicited. I've been conscious of delivery and take into account how what I say would be received and have empathy toward others. I am not certain the change is drastic enough to be noticed by others, but that confidence and certainty in certain thoughts and beliefs have lead me to be more outspoken than I normally am. This leaves me questioning how much my opinions have been solicited lately and how many have been freely offered. It has left me questioning if I still have the sensitivity and grace I had in my younger years. So one area I'd like to work on is to shut up! Ha! That is my a simplistic way of quoting Proverbs 21:23: "He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles." This observation may also come from a place of sensitivity within me because I feel sometimes too many words find their way to me and it doesn't make me feel how I would want someone leaving my company to feel. When I was younger I kept my mouth shut a lot out of insecurity and fear. I did not want to sound stupid and didn't necessary think my opinion mattered. I am glad I have matured enough to realize I do have a voice and something of worth to say. Now I need to examine what and how I say things and make sure they are good and true and are said with the right intentions and spirit.

Next frustration, and maybe others can relate, is letting too much from "out there" in the world bother me. Others judgments, especially those I don't even know, should not effect me like they do. Perfect strangers looking down on me (or people like me in some way) should not make me sad or change how I feel about myself. I guess its that little people-pleaser inside that wants everyone to be happy. Its unrealistic. In order to even attempt to please others you often sacrifice yourself and that is not ok with me. Intellectually I understand I could never make everyone happy, but I still struggle with the thought of others not being happy with me. I was once described by someone (whom I was just getting to know) as water. She said my personality is one that "flows" very easily with those around me and I promote harmony and thrive when there is peace surrounding me. I had never thought of myself in that way, but the more I consider that, the more I see that she is right. I want everyone, above everything else, to feel loved and accepted by me. To not feel judged or offended by me. That sometimes leads to a little too much sensitivity to how I am perceived. Basically, caring too much what other people think! Just as it is written in Galatians 1:10 "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Social media only contributes to this issue of comparing ourselves to others and feeling not only the need to put ourselves "out there" but be cognisant of how others perceive us and what they think. So much comes through our "newsfeed" to pull our attention away from what really matters. If we are not careful we (meaning I) will end up putting entirely too much time and energy into the fake world.

As I work through this in my head I realize the contradiction of my observations. On one hand I'm confident and secure in who I am and on the other I'm insecure. I guess that is the dichotomy of being human! My area of focus for now is to stop looking outward. To look inward and upward each day. Train myself to lean on God more especially in those moments I feel I  need justification. To meditate on the Word and pray for guidance and strength when I feel weakness creeping in. To be there for others in the way He expects of us as Christians but not as a know-it-all. "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips" Psalm 141:3. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" Psalm 19:14.

More than frugal

I have always been one of those people who felt if you are not growing you are dying. From the time I can remember I have wanted to learn, wanted to push myself, wanted to know and understand things. I have journal entries from when I was 12 years old examining life. I didn't think about boys or being popular or pretty. I thought about who I was as  person. Who I wanted to be. And how I was going to get there. I had athletic goals both short term and long term that I didn't need anyone to hold me accountable to because it absolutely killed me to not reach them. This naturally spilled over into life after sports and became education, career, and life goals/growth. I may not have hit every one and there were adjustments made along the way, but giving up was never a thought that crossed my mind. It was almost a feeling of panic inside to think about not achieving the goals I set for myself. At no time was there ever a person I was afraid would be disappointed in me or somehow think differently of me. I have loving parents, I had supportive coaches, and great friends who believed in me. I was just born with a drive inside my soul that makes me crave achievement, need milestones, love progress, and have to do my very best.

Its really a good thing I didn't have kids in my early 20's because as hard as it is to balance those character traits with being a stay at home mom to two little ones now, at 31, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for me back then. Raising them and watching them grow every day is worth every single sacrifice and more, but I am who I am and it is sometimes very hard to not have those specific short and long term goals set for myself. I have always said without a target how can you hit the bulls eye? Its not as though being a stay at home mom doesn't allow for any personal goals, but they look very different now and I am still adjusting to the change. I mean I try to get to the gym and I certainly want to be fit like I used to be, but if I have to choose between the class at the gym or tucking my kids in bed, Goodnight Moon wins every time. And I push myself to cook so many healthy meals per week because lets face it, I am no Betty Crocker.

It has taken me 2.5 years to come to this place of being ok with not knowing what my future career will look like and when I will have it. To realize that my current challenge is to simply enjoy the stage of life I am in and not constantly feel like it is not enough. To be ok not contributing to the household finances, but realize all that I do is worth more than, and not measured by, dollars. What is fun and interesting is how I am growing in so many other ways that I may not have had I never become a stay at home mom in the first place. My virtues are tested each and every day. Can I remain patient with my kids, myself, and others when I am pushed to my limits? Can I reflect God's love when I feel judged or attacked in the ways I choose to parent? Am I joyful when life gets tough?

My current area of focus is temperance and self control. For 2.5 months we have been on a very strict budget so that we can complete our own version of Dave Ramsey's financial freedom strategy. We have committed to a plan that will take us roughly 2 years to achieve. I have quickly realized this plan is about so much more than saving money and paying off debt. Its about saying "no" to things I want but don't need. It means uncovering idols in my heart I didn't realize were there and dealing with that nasty issue of greed I like to ignore. I have always been frugal and haven't carried a balance on a credit card in over 10 years, so I didn't think this plan would be all that bad. But of course I should have known that this was not really about me wanting to free up some money each month to give us breathing room financially. No, this is God's way of building character and forcing me to grow (and grow up) in new ways. Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity, so I am uncovering ways in which I needed to grow up! I am happy to say the first couple of months have gone really well and I am adjusting to an even more frugal lifestyle. Now to see if the spending itch gets the better of me as time goes on. Of course back to the "I will achieve any goal I set for myself" personality..... somehow I anticipate satisfaction with each month I am able to stay within the budget (or even just a little under cause lets face it, I'm a bit of an over achiever haha).

I wish I could say we were instantly rewarded for our efforts and initial minor success, but of course the moment we committed to all this we encountered a setback. Hello Murphy, must you always pop up with your annoying laws? The day after we made our first big "get her started" payment, the challenges began. After a month of sickness sweeping through our house (that merits its own blog), we now have roughly $6K - $7K more in debt in the form of medical bills! I can't help but laugh (now that my kids are ok) because I see God's hand in it all. I mean, it can't be simple or easy right? I am not sure how we are going to adjust, stay on track, and be able to afford the medical bills but I know that it is possible and there will be made a way. I will move forward with joy and faithfulness and continue to say no to my inner selfish consumer who looks for happiness in things. I will continue to look for fulfillment in a simple life and find ways to teach and entertain my kids for free. I am excited to see how the next 2 years changes me for the better.

"A virtue is a right inner disposition, and a disposition is a tendency to act in certain ways. Disposition is more basic, lasting and pervasive than the particular motive or intention behind a certain action. It differs from a sudden impulse in being a settled habit of mind, an internalized and often reflective trait. Virtues are general character traits that provide inner sanctions on our particular motives, intentions and outward conduct.^"

 

^{Arthur F. Holmes}

Fear confessions

My blogging has slowed and all of a sudden in reading a book given to me by a friend I realize exactly why.  I couldn't put my finger on it before other than the feeling that being pregnant and re-submerged in a world of diapers and feedings somehow made my mission with this blog impossible to maintain.  But at this moment as I lay on my couch with a sleeping baby on one arm and my Kindle book in the other,  I have the sting of tears in my eyes and lump in my throat that can only mean the words on the page have reached in and found a tender spot in my heart.  The root cause of which I only felt the symptoms of. You see,  being a mom is the most important,  special,  meaningful thing I have ever and will ever do. I've accepted my new job title,  embraced it fully,  and no longer feel ashamed to say "I'm just a mom" when people ask what I do. In fact, now intake the “just” out of the sentence and smile as I answer “I am a mom”.  It's the most challenging thing I have done and I take pride in the fact that I am molding 2 precious lives.  So what is the worry in the back of my mind when I think about my future?  What is that uneasy emotion I try to ignore because I can't describe it or because I know it is riddled with a lack of faith in Gods plan for me?  I finally know what it is because the raw emotion filling my being tells me I uncovered and exposed something real.  I'm afraid at the end of this amazing chapter in life--after I watch my kids go to high school,  graduate,  go to college,  get married--I'll be lost. Its recent enough now for me to remember what it felt like to have a career and goals for my education and future career.  But where will I be when this chapter is over?  Who will I be?  Will I be relevant? Will I just be a used up, tired mom who forgot what it was like to have dreams and goals and purpose outside of tiny, needy hands and feet? Will I look in the mirror when my last is in kindergarten or graduating high school and find a blank stare and a terrified "now what? " How can you not lose your identity when everything in your nature says my identity IS my kids right now?  How can I look into their little faces and not want to live each day for them?  I can't even want to live for myself or even peel myself off the couch to go to the restroom when my 7 week old is asleep on my arm.

Every time I think about it, I hold on to the feeling inside that tells me God has plans for me. Plans that may include motherhood but don't end with it.  Faith that this season in life is also molding and shaping me for a fulfilling and meaningful one when my kids are independent. But the reality is there is fear and shortcoming in my faith when I think about my future as my kids grow up.  Fear that the working world will have moved on without me. That I will no longer have a place in careers that are moving forward and making a difference. That maybe at best I will find a way to make money but that my youthful dreams of touching lives and being satisfied by a job will not be achievable.  That I will float through the rest of my life never finding that place I spent my entire 20s preparing myself for. Will the answers come when I walk through it? Will I start with a new chapter of a new book just as this one is ending? Or will this time somehow be my training ground and be seamlessly intertwined with the next? Will it be a long, bumpy path straight up a mountain or will I not even notice the slow transition from daily motherhood monotony to His intentions for my future?

 

So many questions I don't have the answer to right now. Questions I didn't anticipate having at 30 years old. But I wont stop praying that I live according to His will and recognize divine opportunities that are sometimes hidden in the everyday.

Taking responsibility

To start this post I would like to say it is not meant to be insulting, degrading, or offensive to anyone. It is a reflection of my personal frustration that lights a fire in me and I hope it does in you too.

It is time to start taking responsibility for our physical and spiritual health. It is not OK to just show up to church a blank slate every Sunday and expect the pastor to tell you what you need to know about God. It is not OK to show up to your doctor and expect them to tell you everything you need to know about being healthy. Sure, these people are educated and trained but does that make them perfect? No. Does that mean what they tell you is it? Everything? Absolutely not. For one, they have spent years and often a lifetime learning and cannot possibly relay everything to you. If you do not have the right questions or have all the time in the world, you cannot obtain all information from these people. Second, they are humans trained by other humans. Right there leaves a huge margin of error in their understanding. Both spiritual and physical health is a lifelong journey for all of us. No one has arrived. There is no amount of knowledge that can be attained that allows us to kick up our feet and say "there, I passed the test. I know everything. School is over." I am sick to death of hearing people say things like "I eat burgers, fries, and junk every day but my doctor says I am healthy." You are fooling yourself if you think that is true. Sure, your blood pressure may be OK for now. The scale may even be OK for now. But if you are not giving your body what it needs to function properly, you are a slippery slope to disease. Maybe not today, but one day it WILL catch up and will it really make you feel any better to play the victim and claim your doctor never told you?

This is really me thinking "out loud" so to speak because I get frustrated with myself in these areas too. I love to listen to bible studies and read books, but I often get frustrated with myself for my lack of understanding on my own. Guidance is good but not in the place of personal spiritual growth which comes from my relationship with the Lord--not from the mouth of man. And physical health, ugh, another overwhelming subject that leaves many throwing their hands up saying "yeah, well EVERYTHING causes cancer so whatever!" This is not OK. It is not OK to keep poisoning ourselves because there is controversy surrounding what is poison. Just like it is not OK to throw in the towel on God because there is controversy surrounding what beliefs are true. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and make decisions/learn faith and come to our conclusions on what is truth. What is right for us. What consequences can we live with? This may look different for you than it does for me and that is OK! We are all different. We are all allowed to be wrong. But to be ignorant to all of it, to not come to any conclusions for lack of effort, to float through life as if there are no consequences to our choices (or lack thereof) is not only ludicrous but dangerous.

Let us not be satisfied when we feel sick and tired and our doctor tells us we are fine. Let us not be satisfied when the medical community says things are safe that go against nature and our moral fiber. Remember all the things we used to accept as safe that are now deemed deadly? I find it hard to believe that as people grabbed cigarettes back in the day and hacked and coughed as they smoked them that there was no part of them that thought "this may be not good for my health". Just because something wont kill you today doesn't mean it isn't killing you. God may not appear in your bedroom at night in a fiery cloud telling you to change your ways, but that does not mean the way you live your life is not killing you. Life does not have to be endured. It does not have to be riddled with pain, pointlessness, or emptiness. I am not promising anyone that there is a formula that will make you feel like rainbows and sunshine everyday in either of these aspects of life, but it is our responsibility to ourselves, our children, God, to dig! Dig for information, learn about your body, soul, and spirit. Get tuned in to the point you can listen to your instincts and trust them. Is what my pastor said really in line with what I believe? Does it "sit right" with me? Is the pharmaceutical propaganda really the way it is? Does it make sense according to my understanding? Are these side effects "perfectly normal" and "just fine" with me? Am I simply not sure? Let me not rest until I am sure, not because I have given up.

Its not easy to go against the grain. And I am not saying it is always necessary to do so. I am just saying, be educated. Be responsible for you. Know WHY. If you don't know why, ask why--ask why not. Because at the end of the day I can only live with the consequences I consciously chose, for a reason. Not the one I blindly followed because so many others did too. I will not find comfort in being a victim because I chose not to research. We are all smart and capable. I will not let a pastor or doctor make me feel as though I am not. I will seek guidance and counsel but will not allow anyone to take away my self efficacy.

One crazy birth story

As many of you know Miss Lydia Hooper made her grand entrance into this world on Monday (May 19) and her arrival was well...eventful to say the least. For those of you interested in the whole story read on!

So Sunday night, I go to bed alone since "Operation keep-our-toddler-in-his-own-bed" includes Daddy sleeping on a air bed on Zayne's floor. I wasn't feeling very great and didn't sleep well, but that is normal for 38 weeks pregnant. I was up and down all night. Around 5:30 AM my back started to really hurt. I noticed a sharper burning sensation in my low back that would ease up a little here and there and I started to wonder if I was at the beginning of labor. I heard the words of the doula I took that birthing class from and decided to lay there and continue to try to rest, not turning on any lights or electronics. By 6:30 AM, the sun had (finally) come up so I grabbed my phone and downloaded an app to start tracking contractions. At this point I was certain that was what I was feeling. Ronnie (my husband) and Zayne (my 2.5 year old) came and crawled into bed with me at 7:30. It was a peaceful 30 minutes we all laid in bed and talked, prayed, giggled with Z, and Ronnie called work to let them know he would not be in (even though I told him he could probably go in for a couple hours and get some things wrapped up). We got up at 8AM. And the fun begins.....

My goal all along was to labor at home for a while so I wouldn't be stuck on my back in a hospital bed for 9 hours like I was with my son. I suspected this labor would go a bit faster, but never dreamed it would ever turn out like it did. I took a shower and took my time getting last minutes items into my hospital bag. Ronnie got Z some breakfast and I proceeded to call a couple friends and send a few text messages. Ronnie came into the bathroom at one point while I was chatting with a friend and drying my hair and said "ok, we better go. I don't want to have the baby in the car" (God was laughing at this point I am sure of it). I finished up and looked into my own eyes in the mirror as I prayed and tried to give myself a pep talk about having a naturally delivery. I prayed I would be strong enough to do it (with STRONG doubts in my head that I would).

8:30 AM



                                                                           

                                               
My 38 week checkup was scheduled for 11 AM that day and a part of me thought I may still go in for that appointment. But my doctor's office was going to open at 9 (just an hour after I got out of bed) so I called at 9:02 to see what she suggested I do. I sat down at the kitchen table with a bowl of Cinnamon Chex and as I explained everything to the doc she said to go ahead and head in to labor and delivery. I didn't have much of an appetite all the sudden so I just grabbed some yogurt for the road and we left. The last contraction as we walked out the door was pretty strong. I shoved everything in my hands into Ronnie's arms as I doubled over thinking "ok yeah, time to go."

My friend Christy who lives just a few blocks from the hospital was going to babysit Z for us that day. At first the plan was to drop him off at her place on the way, but about 3 blocks from home I changed my mind on that plan and had Ronnie call and ask her to meet us at the hospital. I started a group text to all the friends and family who had asked to be on the list of people we informed it was baby day. A mile or so into the drive two of my contractions came back to back and I breathlessly said to Ronnie "ugh, I need a break between those!" From there on out there would be no break. The drive became a blur as I tried really hard to stay quiet and not scare my son to death. I heard his sweet little voice in the backseat say "its okay Mama, don't cry. I will kiss it." Early on I assured him I was fine, but as the contractions intensified I could not longer contain the noises escaping from my mouth. I do remember looking out the window at one point to notice the giant Prestonwood Church only to have it register that we were only about half way there. I screamed "PASS THESE PEOPLE!" as Ronnie went about 60mph in a 30mph zone. I believe it was somewhere around there in the drive I asked my husband for an epidural...."Ok, I changed my mind, I want the epidural now!" Meanie wouldn't give me one humph. It was about then too that I realized I was still clutching my phone with intentions of finishing that text. Shortly after I threw my phone on the floor board.

The next 2 miles turned into blood curdling screams I really still cannot believe were me. If you know me you know I am not one to scream. Ever. About anything. Not on roller coasters, not if you scare the daylights out of me, I am pretty sure I would not scream if you told me I won the lottery. I just don't do it. That day I could have been cast in any horror movie ever made. My body was about 100 steps ahead of my brain because I actually still thought that checking in to the hospital and getting an epidural would be possible. Although I could not quite imagine how I was going to walk and get changed into a gown. That might be tricky. I remember actually apologizing to Ronnie for screaming and saying "but I cant stop!" The split second dialog in my head is pretty funny now that I think back on it because I was thinking I need to take my seat belt off and take off my pants, but another part of me was mortified at the thought of showing up with no pants on and another part of me knows how upset Ronnie gets when I take my seat belt off when we are driving (ha). Needless to say basic instinct won and here I was less than a mile from the hospital screaming "Oh no, I am pushing!" and Ronnie putting his hand on my stomach saying "well, stop pushing!" I will spare the gory details (as if this hasn't been enough already) and just say Ronnie had to make a very important decision at that moment as we were passing a fire station just 2 blocks from the hospital. He was thinking "do I stop or do I gun it through one last intersection?" He checked to see if he could feel her head since my water had broken at that point and I was pushing (sorry TMI!). Since he couldn't, he gunned it through the last intersection (a green light, thank you Jesus). I looked over and saw the hospital and begged and begged for him to pull in as we passed several entrances (he was going to the ER).

We FINALLY pulled in to the ER maybe 12-15 minutes after we pulled away from home. He honked at a couple walking in to the ER and swerved around them as he threw the car in park and sprinted into the ER. He pried the automatic doors open and screamed at anyone who would listen "My wife is having a baby - NOW!!!" A team of people jumped up to help and one grabbed a wheel chair. He said "No, you don't understand, I mean NOW!" At that point I am fully prepared to catch my own baby, unconsciously accepting that not only was a private child birth out of the cards for me, so was my coveted epidural. Along with nurses, volunteers, a firefighter, and whoever else came to my rescue, Ronnie came around to check on me from the drivers seat (which I was half-occupying at that point). I screamed "get Zayne away from me now!" Apparently he made it into the ER with Zayne just in time not to witness the delivery, but they were not spared the screams you could no doubt here in Oklahoma. A sweet nurse came around to the drivers seat and grabbed my shoulders and said "we are going to have this baby right here" and seconds later was telling me to push. With the middle console in my rib cage and a foot on the dash, my daughter was born right there in the front seat of my Toyota Four Runner about 3-4 minutes after we pulled up!

In spite of the shock I was in that would last for the next 2 days, I was completely tuned in listening for the sounds of an infant cry among all the buzz from the 12 people surrounding me talking about clamping, cutting, and whatever else. I heard the nurse behind my shoulders say 9:27AM as I held my breath waiting to hear a cry. A few seconds later I heard my sweet baby cry and immediately breathed out "Oh, thank you God". There was not even a doctor present yet, but a man came out and as I saw him reach for the baby I heard words like "clamp" and "cut the cord" but did not realize until he tried to pick her up that the cord was still attached. I so eloquently screamed "still attached!!" I guess someone came up with some scissors and since the parking lot was full of ER staff and not labor and delivery staff, they rushed her inside to grab blankets and get her warm and make sure she was breathing ok. I honestly did not even know she was gone because the moment they got inside they were intercepted by labor and delivery nurses who ordered them to bring the baby back out to mama NOW and get her skin to skin. In that 15 second stretch I sat up, grabbed the "Oh crap" handle of the car, looked at the woman who just caught my baby, and said "NOT in my birth plan!" Meanwhile Ronnie is in the ER holding Zayne and sees his daughter fly by him and says "hey, is that my baby?" They said "yes!" and quickly showed him and said "but we have to get her back out to mama". He yelled "are they ok?" as they ran back outside and he heard a fleeting "yes, they are good!"

Meanwhile back outside, the only man I remember seeing out there is helping me get out of the car and onto a stretcher. They are all buzzing around me talking about cutting my shirt off so they can get the baby skin to skin as they were told. Well, I had just bought that nursing tank so I offered to just take it off (I mean, why waste 20 bucks right?). I looked down at my sweet baby girl and remember trying to ask people if I should try to feed her since the books I read said to always get them to nurse as soon as possible. No one was listening to me so I just went ahead. Never in my life could I imagine I would be naked, in parking lot, nursing my daughter after just giving birth. In a car. In public. Yes, they did have sheets and blankets at that point so I am hoping I was at least mostly covered. But as they wheeled me inside and the sun was no longer shining bright in my eyes I realized I still had my sunglasses on my face. Apparently I gave birth with my cute, new black sunglasses with little rhinestones on the side. I chuckled as I heard comments about paparazzi and joked "no pictures please". I'll tell you what, the look on one patient's face who was standing in the hall in her gown wheeling her IV bag (no doubt trying to get her labor to progress), was classic. As we rolled by Ronnie looked at her and said "good job getting here.You don't want to have it in the car"

So little Lydia Rea joined us, just 25 minutes after I had calmly called my doctor that morning, at 9:27 AM on May 19th, 2014. She weighed 6lbs, 8oz and was 18.5 inches long. She is healthy and just perfect. In retrospect maybe shaving my legs in the shower was not the best decision I have ever made! And a lesson for all of you, be careful what you pray for. God took me very seriously when I said I wanted to try to have a natural childbirth!

The aftermath of the whole experience has been an adventure in and of itself. First of all, my son handled things surprisingly well and has recovered from it all. It took about 2 solid days of asking me "mama ok?" and reassuring himself over and over "mama's ok", for him to feel fully comfortable that I am alright. He has been more independent than ever and stayed with Christy and Grammy and Papa like a big boy while we were in the hospital. He came to visit and even left without me without a fuss. I am so proud of him and grateful that God was with him through the whole thing taking care of him. Later in the day I got a call from the PR woman for the hospital asking if she could share my story on the hospital's facebook page and possibly send it to some local news outlets to see if they were interested in running a story. I reluctantly said "sure" doubting anyone else would really care. But sure enough, we were on the 6 and 10PM NBC news the next day! Many of the sweet ER staff came up to visit us and check on us. They were beaming. Hearing their interviews for the news was awesome. I got to hear the whole story from their perspective. It sounded even crazier coming from them! But it was very cool to see how excited they all were. They see so much tragedy in the emergency room, they were all on cloud 9 getting to be a part of something so happy and positive. Hours later when my mother and father-in-law got there from Lubbock they walked through the ER to find us and said everyone was still talking about it and high-fiving each other. There was a buzz in there the rest of the day!

Just one day after our exciting entrance to the hospital, we were walking out - NBC cameras in tote filming the late night follow up story. Our perfect little angel has had quite the exciting life for a 6 day old and really has been an adventure since we learned of her existence. I cant help but wonder if she was paying me back for zip-lining while I was pregnant with her :-) Or maybe I just created an adrenaline junkie early on! Either way, she will have a fun (or incredibly embarrassing) story to tell as she gets older because no doubt none of us will ever let her forget how she came into the world. I never knew my heart was capable of so much love especially after having my son, but somehow it happens the moment you lay eyes on your children for the first time.

Link to the 6PM news story: http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/Baby-Delivered-Outside-of-ER_Dallas-Fort-Worth-260042771.html

Link to the 10PM news story: http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/Mother-Recounts-Dramatic-Delivery-Outside-of-ER-260024931.html

Link to a local newspaper that ran our story as well: http://starlocalmedia.com/planocourier/news/trip-to-hospital-turns-into-adventure/article_1c3db2ea-e1fb-11e3-b075-001a4bcf887a.html