Surrender

Thoughts have been swirling and spinning, emotions swirling right under the surface for weeks and then I read this article: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/the-one-life-dream-that-makes-a-girl-blush/print
I read it three times to be exact, cried, and then laid in bed unable to sleep. Now here I sit in a quiet house with my laptop and prayers in response to the emotion of it all.....

In my early twenties, I most definitely did the eye roll when it came to thinking about a woman with no career or personal aspirations outside of the role of wife and mother. Didn't she want to "be" something? Didn't she want to achieve success? As if, “just” having a family is somehow not enough. My mom raised 6 kids and for the most part, didn't work a traditional job outside of the home. She supported my Dad's ministry work and occasionally worked outside the home to help make ends meet, but raising us and maintaining our home was certainly beyond a full time job. I respect my mother more than any other woman on earth. She is the best mom and wife I’ve ever known and I aspire to be more like her each and every day. My friends even agreed growing up that she had the patience of a saint and we often referred to her as Mother Theresa with a mix of Betty Crocker. She is smart, kind, meek but at the same time the absolute strongest woman I know. As if her quietness is a super power, not bragging, not complaining, not seeking attention. She works her fingers and her heart down to the bone and yet still hums while she works. So why was I so determined to be different? Why is it that I needed to prove to this world and myself that I am smart, strong, and capable…..but in all the ways that society deems so? Part of it is the desire to forge my own path, make my own way in this world, and find my own identity. But somewhere along the way, the backwards feminist culture of today had seeped in whispering, "there's more and you can and should have it all."

So I set out determined that I could and would have it all. Be everything to everyone and highly successful at all of it. I'd prove my worth by going out and achieving (yes, I am an enneagram 3). Successful career at an abnormally young age? Yep, aren't I exceptional? Moving up the ranks to important titles and big paychecks, yet again before my peers? Yep, aren't I really talented, important, and valuable? Big, bold moves and challenges galore? I got it, I don’t need anyone to take care of me. 4.0 in college? Of course, I am not just a hard worker or good enough at flirting to climb the ranks in corporate (like a jealous coworker had told me). Deep down I always knew, in my soul, that beauty fades. Youth has an expiration date. It’s the substance behind the face and smile that will remain. That substance must be made of grit, determination, smarts (street and booksmarts), and a love for others as well as myself. So I sought it everywhere I could. I worked to prove I was more than a pretty face and not too young to accomplish anything.

Motherhood was something I always wanted, but not until I proved to the world that I chose it over all of the other “real” opportunities I had created for myself. And if I chose to be “just a mom” for a period of time, it would not be because I didn’t have other options. And I certainly wouldn’t lose my drive or identity just because I chose to be a mom. I’d be a great mom, but I wouldn’t live to pick crumbs up off the floor my teenagers dropped as they flew out the door to hang out with their friends and have nothing left of my old self when they left home. Not me. I HAD my identity and it wouldn’t be lost to marriage or children. Then I became a mom. Not just a mom, but I stay-at-home mom with student loans galore. Insert biggest reality check/identity crisis I could imagine. Turns out that identity I had worked so hard to create was pretty wrapped up in achievement and a paycheck. It's been eight years now of self-worth struggle. Of self growth and discovery along with dying daily. I could recap 8 years of struggle and difficulty, ah-ha moments and breakthroughs, tears and glasses of wine just to get through. But at this moment, at 2AM the night before my kids go back to school from winter break,God is working. He is giving me glimpses behind the curtain I have been so desperate to peek behind. In trying to capture this experience in words, so many clichés keep coming to mind that I have heard a thousand times and never held much weight until now when they reached me viscerally. Suddenly it strikes me that its moments like these that prompt the phrases that eventually become cliche'. They lose their meaning because they are passed along without the experience to go along with it. "Beauty is found in simplicity", "blessed to be a blessing", "beauty is only skin deep", "home is where the heart is". Now I want to repeat so many but somehow they fall flat. Because when God moves, when He works inside a heart, it is so much more powerful than a catchy phrase could ever do justice.

“Do not be conformed to this world: but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”…..had one meaning as a teenager viewing the world from the outside looking in. It has an entirely different meaning after your view of life, self, and others has largely been conformed to this world whether you’d like to admit it or not. But isn't that the purpose of transformation? To be changed from one thing to another? Directly following the warning not to be conformed to this world is an invitation to be transformed. It’s as if He knew we wouldn’t heed his warning in the first place. Isn't it the light that reveals the darkness? Isn't it our sin that gives us a glimpse into the magnitude of grace?

My proof of worthiness and value to the world has always been displayed in medals around my neck, titles on my business card, zeros on my paycheck, “summa cum laude” on my 45K piece of paper. The irony is I have always sought God’s will, always prayerfully, constantly sought wisdom, yet it’s all filtered through my own hazy lens. The ones that looks outward more than inward, that seeks external validation because it feels good, the one that finds comfort and happiness in what I can achieve (i.e. control). I desperately want to be a (big) part of building the kingdom of God on earth, but I am not sure I’d recognize my role if it smacked me in the face because for some reason I have a preconceived notion of what it should look like. Being “just a mom” in this season certainly can't be it. I am surely wasting what youth I have left worrying about groceries and how to stay fit while NOT advancing His kingdom at all. Frustrating, lonely, clueless, and stuck, I live achievement-to -achievement getting my “fix”. Beating myself up for not being content, for wanting more when I already don’t manage what I have well.

My idea of who and what is important to God has gotten skewed. I am not entirely sure when the false messages penetrated my heart but little by little they did. Polished, well spoken, pretty, smart, driven, charitable, perfect wives, mothers, and friends....these are the ones God can use on a platform for changing the world. You know, like…..no one. Like absolutely no one.

Right here, right now in my too-tired, but inspired state. I am weary, I am emotional, and I closer to God than I have been in ages. Tonight, I comforted my 8 year old when he couldn’t sleep because he “felt funny” and some digging revealed he worries about what would happen if Daddy and I die. I laid with him and listened and snuggled until he fell asleep. As I am typing this my 5 year old is stumbling down the stairs in a half-sleep stupor looking for more snuggles like a gravitational pull between her heart and mine. I looked them in the eye a few hours ago and explained to them that parents are not perfect, that grown ups make mistakes, and reminded them that God is working on me just like he is working on them. I reminded them of 2 days ago when I seriously lost my cool and I apologized and asked their forgiveness. I promised to do better and grow just like they are doing their best to learn and grow. The looks on their faces are forever burned into my mind. The absolute love, trust, and forgiveness. The joy and love in our exchange. These moments are it. No Instagram picture to post, nothing for anyone to like and share, possibly a fleeting moment they won't consciously remember later in life. But oh so much more meaningful than a walk across a stage, an accolade, award, or promotion. One thousand people could be standing and clapping for something I did and then the moment is gone. Both moments are gone, both may be forgotten. So which was more meaningful? Which brings a touch of heaven to earth? Which makes the Lord’s heart swell with pride? He is love. My greatest opportunity to show and experience love in even the slightest resemblance to God’s love is through my family.

My word this year is surrender. I am surrendering my plans, my goals, my self-centered achievement-based goals that I set to prove my value and worth. Honestly, I have no idea what to do with myself or how to feel. I pulled back from my part-time job a bit purposefully a year ago which is what set this all in motion. I knew I was tying up my self-worth in accomplishments there too. It's a pattern, a habit that must die. I replaced some of the time with running and a big goal of a big marathon – more achievement. That could be a pacifier for my need to achieve. After all, it’s healthy, right? It kept my mind off feeling like a loser and focusing on what emotionally felt like failure in my business. Now I mourn the loss of that goal and try hard not feel the weight of failure again as my injury has me sidelined. Now here I am, a new year, a new decade – a time when my former self would absolutely thrive on setting huge goals and going after more than ever, but instead I sit, quiet, uncomfortable, a little lost, and very unsure of what to even set my sights on. This is not like me. The old me in there wants to scramble and grasp for my next achievement fix to replace this empty feeling inside of me. But no, not this time. This time, I surrender. I read that one more bedtime story and stay a minute longer. I sit unsure of what might happen with not only my career but my husband’s. I lean into prayer in a way I haven't before. The silence feels just a tiny bit less like loneliness. I read the line from that article over and over again: “become the woman that you are becoming and not who you thought you’d be.” I am supposed to be great. I am supposed to be high achieving, successful, and known. Now I surrender. Who am I becoming? Who has God created me to be? If I channeled the drive, desires, and all the qualities He put in me exactly in alignment with His will, what would it look like? Would it look exactly like my life right now except my perspective has changed? Could he steer my ship a whole lot easier if I would stop grabbing the wheel and taking us off course? Is my family and my God getting the very best of me? Am I becoming the best version of myself? I know that zero achievement and not setting any goals is not the answer, but for the moment I am in detox. I am learning what it means to separate my "doing" from my "being".

The "five more minutes mom", the grammar help, the "I love you infinity's", the "will you pray for me’s", the Starbucks and messy bun conversations, the drives across 4 states for a mint and a lemon…..these are the moments I miss when I am too busy chasing my worth.

“Are you done chasing false fulfillment and worldly happiness my child? Are you tired of the never ending race that no one wins? I am here in your surrender, I am here in your rest, I didn’t design your life to be important I designed it to be mine and that my child is worth everything to me.”

Becoming

I had hopes and dreams of making this blog a journal that documents my progress as I grow and change with each stage of motherhood. I guess the chasmic gap in posts is a good indication of what happens in the thick of motherhood. Once my second child was born, that was the nail in the coffin on what was already a struggle to express my thoughts and emotions in writing. Between the distraction, exhaustion, and downright lack of “free time”, I let writing go by the way side. And let’s be honest….it’s easy to shelf writing in a blog while experiencing the demands of motherhood no matter what, but especially so when you are full of doubt about your own ability and fear of sucking…..ok, to put it more eloquently, fear of being mediocre and fear of having nothing of value to say. That fear coupled with exhaustion and distraction leaves exactly .0001 seconds of creative and introspective thought. It is difficult to compile my thoughts into a coherent sentence much less an eloquent, relatable, challenging, life-giving one when my day begins with an epic meltdown about seams in socks and why no article of clothing should have a button or a tag on it for any reason ever.

Between baby fog on steroids with a second-born child, raging mood swings of a toddler potty training and breaking a leg, and among constant concern about milk production, sleep, and wondering where my husband mentioned he was going for work this week and when he said he would be home; its no wonder I haven’t had a drop of sanity left to write a worthy enough thought to post! But navigating the “baby fog” phase of life only proved to lead us a new phase of multiple ER visits, a hospital stay, starting my own business, a move, traveling, Kindergarten, a still-traveling husband, and more commitments than I can keep up with and…you know what? Maybe this silly little blog dream just needs to be in hibernation until my kids graduate college! But here’s the thing. In this season of life, I have experienced the most amazing moments--breakthroughs and breakdowns—that, no doubt, women around the globe can relate to and draw from. I have had massive successes, what felt like crushing failures and day-to-day moments that I know in my bones are the stuff of life. I have grown in ways I never expected and for the very first time in my entire 34 years of living I realize I have a voice worth speaking up with. I have a story worth telling. I have a message that someone, somewhere is waiting to hear.

 It may have taken a massive amount of prayer, years of waiting and lamenting over, hundreds of books to hide behind the words of authors and other women who have voices worthy of speaking up with; and, to be frank, just enough wine and lack of sleep tonight, for me to realize….I am pretty damn awesome. I have a faithful, loving God who has been preparing my heart, mind, and soul for amazing things for 34 years. I am something and some ONE in this body of Christ and I have a role in bringing forth the kingdom of God. As terrifying as that is, it is now not nearly as terrifying as letting one more day roll on without my acknowledging it. Not nearly as terrifying as the thought of wasting a precious gift given to me by God, cultivated by my Father, attacked by Satan, and distracted by this world. It is my time. Amongst the crazy, amongst the exhausted, right smack dab in the middle of busy, and tired, and hard, and messy……it is my time. Because giving my perspective after I feel I have “become” something  great, or worthy, or whatever it is I am waiting for is not nearly as fun, exciting, and faith-filled as jumping in with radical faith that the process is the gift--the becoming is more important that being. I invite you to come along with me in the process of becoming. It’s painful, its hard, its illusive, but I know without a doubt its worth it.

Contentment vs Complacency

The wheels have just been turning non stop lately in my head. Usually when that happens, it's God tugging at my heart and what I really need to do is put pen to paper! The word placed on my heart is contentment. Contentment versus complacency. This initial thought has been evolving into so much more. I know that it is constant evolution of self, especially those of us who are Christian, to learn to be satisfied with what we have. Not to envy, not to place our happiness and self worth into material things - to be content with the life, the things, the income we have and to focus on our richness in spirit. I have been praying and focusing hard on being content in these areas for a long time. I don't have a nice house, but its a house. It keeps us safe and warm (or cool in the Texas summer). I don't have nice things. In fact most of my things are old, frayed, and on their last leg. It is easy to dream of having nice furniture, matching plates and serving dishes, and cute décor for my house. But I know that I am abundantly blessed to have what I do. I have food and plates to put it on, my kids do not want, and we even have the extra money to go to movies, museums, and fun places with our kids. We have more than enough yet its so easy in our culture to get side tracked and sucked into wanting more.

Then there is this side of my nature, this innate drive that God placed in my being when he made me. That fire in me that tells me "you have to keep going. you have to try harder. You have to improve. You have to do your best." I love to work hard, I love to be challenged, I don't like to procrastinate. I don't like to leave things undone. I don't ever want to be complacent in this life. Constantly learning, growing, and evolving into a better version of who I am is what makes me happy. So I struggle. I struggle with the balance of contentment versus complacency. Can I be happy with what I have while still wanting more? Can I be grateful for the many blessings God has provided yet still ask for more? Are my motivations pure? Are my desires in line with God's will? It is a constant stream of checks and balances and there are times it is very difficult to know what is God and what is my flesh. Especially when the busyness of life and motherhood has me distracted from the still small voice. How much of the desire to succeed is pride? How much is for recognition; a pat on the back? How much of forging ahead with my goals is for my glory and not His? For my goals and not His call upon my life? Am I pointing my heart toward Him at all times, in all things? Do I recognize the successes as His blessings and look for the underlying why? I know success is not for my glorification, nor do I want that. I have been given abilities, strengths, and gifts so that I can use them to glorify Him. In my youth I agonized over what my purpose in the world would be. How would I make a difference? What great things would I achieve? I struggled as the years went on and the answers didn't become more clear - and even more when I wasn't moving mountains in this life. I am beginning to realize it doesn't matter which path I am on, how great or small my reach is, or how many people recognize what I am doing. What matters is who I become along the way, and who I bless on the journey. Did I stop and give a helping hand? Did I become sensitive enough to God's voice to hear when He whispered the perfect words to say to the person who needed to hear them? Or was I too busy chasing the hollow dream that is filled with cacophony and material things?

According to dictionary.com the definition of content is to be in a state of peaceful happiness. Contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction. The three common themes here are satisfaction, peace, and happiness.

Complacency is a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or ones achievements. Or a feeling of quiet pleasure or security of some potential danger, defect, or the like. The common idea here is smugness and excessive pride.

Complacent people neglect their duties and are unconcerned about things that should concern them. They have the attitude "I have arrived".

To me, being content means knowing who I am - goal oriented, committed to learning and self improvement, but also learning to better enjoy my journey . Focusing too much on the end goal or destination takes away from the process. And life is mostly lived in the process. To be content I cannot be happy based on my conditions, but choose to be happy in spite of my conditions.

Happy and content are not one in the same. Deep down I am happy but I am not always content. When I allow myself to be unsatisfied with what I have I lose my contentment. When I compare myself and my things to others I lose my contentment. As Mahatma Ghandi said, "Man falls from the pursuit of the ideal of plan living and high thinking the moment he wants to multiply his daily wants. Man's happiness really lies in contentment." We must stop acquiring and start enjoying.

So I ask myself, can I be both driven and content? What I have come to realize is being content is not simply accepting the cards you are dealt - its appreciating what you have while you strive to improve. There is never a perfect balance, but a swinging pendulum between the two. The median should be contentment. Some scriptures that have helped me are:

Luke 12:15: Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

1 Timothy 6:6-7: Then he said to them, “But godliness with contentment is great gain. ⁷ For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it."

 

Philippians 4:12-13:  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Matthew 6:25-26: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Philippians 2:3: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.

2 Corinthians 5:9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 


Let us be ambitious so that we are acceptable to Christ not the world and seek first His kingdom.....

Digging in deep

Jesus had plenty of opposition. Plenty of people who thought negatively about him. People who thought he was crazy, misguided, or even blasphemous. He had followers, those who loved him, followed him, and recognized him as the son of God. But those who didn’t despised Him. In spite of those out to get him, he never let any of the negativity throw him off course. Nothing derailed him from his mission. He pressed on with dignity and peace in his heart knowing that he had more important things than to argue or defend a position. It seems people today like to talk a big game about not letting “haters” get them down. It is almost welcoming to have some opposition to give us an opportunity to prove just how much we don’t care about what others think. In fact, when the negativity comes we simply write those people off as lesser, insignificant people--people not worth our time. We are the “bigger” people right? With our big egos and our puffed out chests marching on with our heads held high and subsequent noses in the air. Putting those people right where they belong….under our shoes as we move on forging relationships with only those who support us in our blindness. Those who pat our backs and celebrate our stupidity, who either don’t recognize character flaws because character is not a criteria in which we measure relationships or simple sweep them under the rug for the sake of smooth sailing for all.

I am blessed to have a network of friends who is loving and supportive. True people in my life who care and who demonstrate depth, strength, character, and love. But somehow I am starting to wonder if a person can really be this blessed or if a part of it is blindness. Follow me here. Am I surrounded by support and love at every turn because my fragile ego cannot handle the reality of opposition that comes with true growth? Never facing a fear does not mean that they do not exist right? It means you either avoid facing them at all costs or you have cocooned yourself into such a comfortable existence that you are able to ignore them completely. Is this truly a blessing? A person who is never faced with fears…should we envy them or pity them? Where is the forced growth? Where is the accomplishment? Where is the maturing of faith? How about encountering people who misunderstand your intentions? People who see you differently than you see yourself? Whether those people are right or wrong – being misunderstood, having your feelings hurt, being questioned – aren’t those character-building situations? Doesn’t opposition make us stronger? I train with weights; I understand the importance of resistance.

 I have struggles in life don’t get me wrong but why is God allowing me to use the 5lb dumbbells? Why am in the shallow end of the pool with floaties on? Who am I to sit back and complain about not having an outlet to share how special I am? Isn’t that really what it is when I wonder what is this grand calling of mine? My ego wondering when I will get some sort of status or recognition…for what? I don’t know. For living a life of privilege? For being spoon fed challenges in small enough bites to chew and swallow before getting more? Deep in the layers of desire to give and serve, is there a selfishness that wants recognition and status? Does reaching out really feel like reaching down from my privileged status to fulfill a need of my own? If a strong head wind came at me do I have what it takes to stand in faith, peaceful and fierce in spirit? Or would I crumple and fall because I haven’t trained with real weights? Am I hiding from the messiness, the toughness, the raw realness where God dwells? Is my nose just a bit too high to be grounded? Have I taken Him for granted? Ignored His ever presence in my life? Have I set my God up on the shelf next to the picture frame and candle only passing by every once in a while to dust Him off when I think of it?

I can’t live in this boring, safe, dusty grey area another second or I might explode!

One of the least

I don't know if its being a mom in general or being one of young children, but so many days I feel myself stuck in this bubble. Thoughts consumed, fires to put out, constant crying, arguing, noise of all kinds....it makes it difficult to see the big picture--or any picture at all for that matter. Some days I feel like I'm cruising along staring straight at the ground and forget to look up until I find myself kissing a closed glass door. Suddenly something reminds me that there is a great big world out there full of much bigger problems than how stained my carpet is. God is so good and so patient with me. He has this perfect way of being gentle yet gripping my soul with conviction. Subtle yet conspicuous enough to stand tall behind the distracting little feet that pitter patter around me all day. I catch wind of a need and the still small voice says "hey, you can fill that need." I make eye contact with the homeless man on the corner and his piercing blue eyes cut through to my soul and God whispers "how about that cash you have in your wallet?" Then a friend gives me a book recommendation and of all the books I'd like to read He says, "that one." I can and I will stop making excuses about why I cant do more now and look up to see the opportunities placed right in front of me. Today. Right now. I don't need to be more spiritual, more rich, more rested, or less busy. I have resources because I have a willing heart. I have ability because God has more than met my needs. Its not about rolling down my window and handing over $5 and patting myself on the back or feeling good about ME. It is about seizing every opportunity to give what I have because that is what we are here for. It is not just about filling a need, but about love.

I will not tell the whole story because the last thing I need is carnal pride tainting a beautiful experience, but I will say I recently had a chance to do something for someone who could never do for themselves. God used me to bless them in a way that I know touched their soul. God reminded someone that they are loved and not forgotten. I am not going to lie, it felt good to be a part of that. But the reason I was able to help in such a way is because of love. When I reflect upon past experiences in which I knew God used me to reach someone I realize that He seems to continually forge real and loving friendships between me and the most unlikely people. From the outside looking in, some friendships might really make you laugh. Or simple wonder what in the world could SHE have in common with HIM or HER? But that is really the fun of all this, you know.....life stuff. Because as long as there is love in your heart, that is all the commonality you need. Love and acceptance often fills a bigger need than a few dollars to buy food.

I can (and often do) drive myself crazy wondering what my life will look like as my kids grow. What career will I have? Will I have one? What is God's plan for me? I start to dream of all these things I could do and realize it would take 5 lifetimes to accomplish them all - then get frustrated that life doesn't allow for any of them right now. Then I am back to praying for guidance and an clear understanding of where He wants me to be. Only half-realizing that this is exactly where He wants me to be. Feeling a little lost, a little scattered, a little unimportant and unaccomplished. Somehow this lump of clay will become just what it is meant to be one day. But in the mean time, I listen for his whispers and simply say yes. And for now He is whispering Matthew 25:40 over and over....

shut up and who cares....yes, me

So the new household budget cuts are going well and we are all adjusting to saying no (mostly to ourselves) and staying focused on the goal ahead. I am excited to say that the first full official month of our new system has passed and I managed to have $32 left. I feel very accomplished! As I make adjustments and this new lifestyle becomes normal, I find my mind wandering to my next personal challenge. Maybe it's a sickness I have? An addiction to personal challenges? It most likely comes from having an education and career driven/athlete inside laying dormant at the moment! Nevertheless, it seems these days I cannot keep my mind from criticizing my every flaw and getting frustrated with myself. I realize this sort of focus is not helpful and certainly not positive so today I am asking myself what exactly am I frustrated about. What is it that I do, or do not do, that is not in line with who I am - or who I want to become? Negativity is not somewhere I like to camp out, but for a moment I am going to allow myself to explore these emotions and get some specific areas to focus on. Yes, this is personal. More like a journal entry than a blog and even as I type I have no idea if I will actually publish it, but if you are reading this I invite you to come along with me.

The older I get, the more I learn. The more comfortable and secure I am in who I am and what I believe. That is good. I have always been a good listener and encourager and I would like to think I give good advice when solicited. I've been conscious of delivery and take into account how what I say would be received and have empathy toward others. I am not certain the change is drastic enough to be noticed by others, but that confidence and certainty in certain thoughts and beliefs have lead me to be more outspoken than I normally am. This leaves me questioning how much my opinions have been solicited lately and how many have been freely offered. It has left me questioning if I still have the sensitivity and grace I had in my younger years. So one area I'd like to work on is to shut up! Ha! That is my a simplistic way of quoting Proverbs 21:23: "He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles." This observation may also come from a place of sensitivity within me because I feel sometimes too many words find their way to me and it doesn't make me feel how I would want someone leaving my company to feel. When I was younger I kept my mouth shut a lot out of insecurity and fear. I did not want to sound stupid and didn't necessary think my opinion mattered. I am glad I have matured enough to realize I do have a voice and something of worth to say. Now I need to examine what and how I say things and make sure they are good and true and are said with the right intentions and spirit.

Next frustration, and maybe others can relate, is letting too much from "out there" in the world bother me. Others judgments, especially those I don't even know, should not effect me like they do. Perfect strangers looking down on me (or people like me in some way) should not make me sad or change how I feel about myself. I guess its that little people-pleaser inside that wants everyone to be happy. Its unrealistic. In order to even attempt to please others you often sacrifice yourself and that is not ok with me. Intellectually I understand I could never make everyone happy, but I still struggle with the thought of others not being happy with me. I was once described by someone (whom I was just getting to know) as water. She said my personality is one that "flows" very easily with those around me and I promote harmony and thrive when there is peace surrounding me. I had never thought of myself in that way, but the more I consider that, the more I see that she is right. I want everyone, above everything else, to feel loved and accepted by me. To not feel judged or offended by me. That sometimes leads to a little too much sensitivity to how I am perceived. Basically, caring too much what other people think! Just as it is written in Galatians 1:10 "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Social media only contributes to this issue of comparing ourselves to others and feeling not only the need to put ourselves "out there" but be cognisant of how others perceive us and what they think. So much comes through our "newsfeed" to pull our attention away from what really matters. If we are not careful we (meaning I) will end up putting entirely too much time and energy into the fake world.

As I work through this in my head I realize the contradiction of my observations. On one hand I'm confident and secure in who I am and on the other I'm insecure. I guess that is the dichotomy of being human! My area of focus for now is to stop looking outward. To look inward and upward each day. Train myself to lean on God more especially in those moments I feel I  need justification. To meditate on the Word and pray for guidance and strength when I feel weakness creeping in. To be there for others in the way He expects of us as Christians but not as a know-it-all. "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips" Psalm 141:3. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" Psalm 19:14.

More than frugal

I have always been one of those people who felt if you are not growing you are dying. From the time I can remember I have wanted to learn, wanted to push myself, wanted to know and understand things. I have journal entries from when I was 12 years old examining life. I didn't think about boys or being popular or pretty. I thought about who I was as  person. Who I wanted to be. And how I was going to get there. I had athletic goals both short term and long term that I didn't need anyone to hold me accountable to because it absolutely killed me to not reach them. This naturally spilled over into life after sports and became education, career, and life goals/growth. I may not have hit every one and there were adjustments made along the way, but giving up was never a thought that crossed my mind. It was almost a feeling of panic inside to think about not achieving the goals I set for myself. At no time was there ever a person I was afraid would be disappointed in me or somehow think differently of me. I have loving parents, I had supportive coaches, and great friends who believed in me. I was just born with a drive inside my soul that makes me crave achievement, need milestones, love progress, and have to do my very best.

Its really a good thing I didn't have kids in my early 20's because as hard as it is to balance those character traits with being a stay at home mom to two little ones now, at 31, I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for me back then. Raising them and watching them grow every day is worth every single sacrifice and more, but I am who I am and it is sometimes very hard to not have those specific short and long term goals set for myself. I have always said without a target how can you hit the bulls eye? Its not as though being a stay at home mom doesn't allow for any personal goals, but they look very different now and I am still adjusting to the change. I mean I try to get to the gym and I certainly want to be fit like I used to be, but if I have to choose between the class at the gym or tucking my kids in bed, Goodnight Moon wins every time. And I push myself to cook so many healthy meals per week because lets face it, I am no Betty Crocker.

It has taken me 2.5 years to come to this place of being ok with not knowing what my future career will look like and when I will have it. To realize that my current challenge is to simply enjoy the stage of life I am in and not constantly feel like it is not enough. To be ok not contributing to the household finances, but realize all that I do is worth more than, and not measured by, dollars. What is fun and interesting is how I am growing in so many other ways that I may not have had I never become a stay at home mom in the first place. My virtues are tested each and every day. Can I remain patient with my kids, myself, and others when I am pushed to my limits? Can I reflect God's love when I feel judged or attacked in the ways I choose to parent? Am I joyful when life gets tough?

My current area of focus is temperance and self control. For 2.5 months we have been on a very strict budget so that we can complete our own version of Dave Ramsey's financial freedom strategy. We have committed to a plan that will take us roughly 2 years to achieve. I have quickly realized this plan is about so much more than saving money and paying off debt. Its about saying "no" to things I want but don't need. It means uncovering idols in my heart I didn't realize were there and dealing with that nasty issue of greed I like to ignore. I have always been frugal and haven't carried a balance on a credit card in over 10 years, so I didn't think this plan would be all that bad. But of course I should have known that this was not really about me wanting to free up some money each month to give us breathing room financially. No, this is God's way of building character and forcing me to grow (and grow up) in new ways. Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity, so I am uncovering ways in which I needed to grow up! I am happy to say the first couple of months have gone really well and I am adjusting to an even more frugal lifestyle. Now to see if the spending itch gets the better of me as time goes on. Of course back to the "I will achieve any goal I set for myself" personality..... somehow I anticipate satisfaction with each month I am able to stay within the budget (or even just a little under cause lets face it, I'm a bit of an over achiever haha).

I wish I could say we were instantly rewarded for our efforts and initial minor success, but of course the moment we committed to all this we encountered a setback. Hello Murphy, must you always pop up with your annoying laws? The day after we made our first big "get her started" payment, the challenges began. After a month of sickness sweeping through our house (that merits its own blog), we now have roughly $6K - $7K more in debt in the form of medical bills! I can't help but laugh (now that my kids are ok) because I see God's hand in it all. I mean, it can't be simple or easy right? I am not sure how we are going to adjust, stay on track, and be able to afford the medical bills but I know that it is possible and there will be made a way. I will move forward with joy and faithfulness and continue to say no to my inner selfish consumer who looks for happiness in things. I will continue to look for fulfillment in a simple life and find ways to teach and entertain my kids for free. I am excited to see how the next 2 years changes me for the better.

"A virtue is a right inner disposition, and a disposition is a tendency to act in certain ways. Disposition is more basic, lasting and pervasive than the particular motive or intention behind a certain action. It differs from a sudden impulse in being a settled habit of mind, an internalized and often reflective trait. Virtues are general character traits that provide inner sanctions on our particular motives, intentions and outward conduct.^"

 

^{Arthur F. Holmes}