Faith-building pregnancy

Well I hope everyone else had a relaxing, stress-free Thanksgiving like I did! With hectic schedules, swirling thoughts, and to-do lists it is so nice to take a step back and play cards, eat, and laugh. As laid back and my husband and I both are, I must admit, our plates have been full lately (and not just because of the turkey and pie!). Even with the pressure I seem to put on my own shoulders, I am so grateful I have faith in my corner reminding me that something so much greater than us is working this all out for good.
I have gone back and forth as to whether or not I should share a recent experience and I decided that it just might help someone out there going through something similar. And in starting a blog, I knew the purpose was to be real. We all have enough fluff in life. So here goes! For one agonizing night I was SURE that I had lost the baby I am newly pregnant with. I wont get into the details but all signs pointed to miscarriage. Up until that moment I had no idea just how attached I had become to this little life that I had never seen or even heard the heartbeat of. I was absolutely heartbroken. I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for early the next morning so I just laid in bed and prayed and cried all night. What surprised me about myself was the fact that in my heart I thanked God. I thanked Him for allowing me to find out about the pregnancy so early so that I had more time to love the little one. Most people are not even aware they are pregnant for 6-8 weeks and here I was 9 weeks along and had known about and loved this baby for 6 whole weeks. In spite of the sadness I knew that God has a purpose and a plan. I felt so much empathy for all the women out there who have gone through the experience of a miscarriage. My husband and I gathered up our toddler and soberly headed to the doctor at 7:30 the next morning. I could barely hold the tears at bay while explaining to her what happened that night before. After the normal doctor routine she said "let's just take a look." She was quiet for a moment and turned the screen toward me and said "well, there is your baby!" I immediately burst into tears which made my son burst in to tears. She turned up the volume so we could all hear the most amazing sounding heartbeat I have ever heard. I am just so very, very blessed that the outcome in my case has turned out to be what we had hoped. And so shocked since I had honestly prepared myself for the worst.
I thought being pregnant for the second time would be fairly uneventful and a little "old shoe". I realize now more than ever what a faith-building experience pregnancy truly is. In most situations we can at least fool ourselves in to believing we have control. There is quite literally nothing you can do while pregnant but put your faith in God that all of the millions of elements go just right and you end up with a healthy baby. I have been to a specialist several times and will continue for a while, but so far no definitive answers as to what happened that night. It seems this pregnancy will be anything but "old shoe." It is already completely different from my first. It has grabbed hold of my thoughts and forced me to slow down. Once again the brain chemistry of a mother is forever changed. It is so interesting to examine self and discover such dramatic changes in focus. Networking, future career building out there in the "real world", and goal setting to achieve my next level of success has been replaced with the need to nurture and protect. Fixing my hair, plucking my eyebrows, and looking presentable used to be so much higher on the priority list! Of course I agree that mom's need to take care of themselves and not put everyone and everything else first leaving you drained, but now I understand the frumpy moms I have seen at the grocery stores all these years...because I am one ha!

Messy life

First of all I want to thank all of you for reading my blog and for the support and kind words from those of you who have reached out to me. I am very much enjoying doing this and pray God continues to provide me with meaningful content and the ability to express what is in my heart so that others can connect and relate. And maybe even help someone else see a different angle in a situation they are dealing with in their own life. I sometimes put this pressure on myself to have some words of wisdom or an outlook at the end of an experience that reflects God's working in my life. At this moment I can't say that I have any words of wisdom. I do not have an experience to share that I was able to come through on the other side and reflect upon my personal growth. Reason being: I am currently in the thick of so many things God is walking me through. I am not yet sure exactly what it is He is showing me and how it will all change me. What I do know is that it will. It is. And he is in control of it all and is working it all out for good.

What makes a really great blog is that it is open and real. Some things I am going through are so deeply personal that my still amateur-blogging-status is not sure how to approach it. I hope you will stick with me in spite of my short comings! First off, recently I have been brought to that place in life where faith is quite literally the only thing I have to hold on to. And thank goodness I have that! I trust His plan, I trust that everything happens for a reason and although I may not understand what that is, my faith and trust is in Him completely. I will share the full story in the weeks to come, but know that if you are also dealing with a situation that is so totally out of your hands all you can do is pray--you are not alone!

Second, my patience has been pushed to its absolute limits and I must admit, it needs some work! I mean, sure as a mom of a toddler my patience is tested daily! But I am talking about the kind of patience it takes when you know HUGE, life-altering changes are just around the corner and as hard as you pray for the answers, God's answer is "just wait." So I thank Him for these trials that force growth and maturity. The "but I want it NOW" attitude has certainly grown to "any day now Lord....whenever You are ready of course" ;-) I am happy that I have peace in my heart about it and I do not doubt for a moment that the changes will reflect the will of God. It is the waiting that gets me!

And finally, the third big one I am in the thick of is the growing pains that come along with stretching those love muscles again. As it says in Luke:

 ³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that."

It is easy to do in theory, but in real life, things can get hairy. I have found that approaching relationships with others with a spirit of humility is helping smooth out what could be a very bumpy road. Pride and self-righteousness get us no where when dealing with others. Regardless of the attitude coming from the other side, I have an opportunity to demonstrate a Christian response and I am happy for that opportunity. To whom much is given much is required and I have certainly been given A LOT in my life. Through it all I am leaning on Him more than ever and I am grateful that I am not in control of all of this for it would certainly be one giant disaster!

On being thankful

The recurring theme God keeps bringing to my attention in life right now is to be thankful in all things. Sure, a basic Christian concept we all strive to do. But here is the thing: While it always crosses my mind to thank Him when tough things happen in my life; I seem to have a little internal struggle with it. Not because I am unwilling, not because I am angry, bitter, or even upset! Follow my thought process and maybe you can work through this with me right here, right now.

So, God knows our heart. He knows us inside and out...better than we know ourselves. Here I am dealing with a stressful situation in my life and I am praying hard and leaning on God. I am full of faith that all will work out according to His plan. I am reminded to be thankful in all things. But I almost feel guilty thanking God when in my heart I don't FEEL so thankful this is happening to me. Of course I WANT to feel thankful and I do pray the words, but God knows my heart. He knows that I want so badly to feel as much thanksgiving as I do for the blessings in life, but how do you get to that level of faith? Maturity? Growth? Here I am stuck WANTING to be thankful, thanking God with my brain, but feeling guilty that the thanks has not fully penetrated my heart. Does He see right through my "thanks" and think "nice try"? Maybe this sounds silly but this has been an honest to goodness internal struggle for me!

It has just been this week that I started to realize that my practice in thanking Him through the challenges is my training ground for that growth I desire and so desperately need. It has become an automatic response to thank God when stressors enter my life. That is a step in and of itself! Now as my head and my lips respond correctly, I believe my heart will follow. I believe that God will honor my desire for a deeper understanding of Him and work on changing the resistance in my heart. Somewhere inside there must still be a child pouting "but its nor fair!" There must still exist a self-protecting little one in me that wants to protect my "rights" and my "things"--as if I have control over them in the first place. I find solace in knowing that Job, Ezekiel, and even Jeremiah dealt with similar feelings early in their ministries. Thankfully God does not call perfect people to work for Him. Thankfully He uses the willing, calls the imperfect, and (in love) reveals the condition of our hearts so that we might learn to overcome our imperfections.

Instincts

So often I hear people say, regarding morals and religion, "I just do what feels right" or "I follow my gut." But when your gut is full of flesh mixed with carnal instincts how can we possibly blindly follow that guidance? Sometimes God's will is uncomfortable. Oftentimes He leads us in a direction that doesn't feel so "right" at first. That's why we struggle so much with following His leading--we second guess Him. Our flesh desires the exact opposite and our "logic" convinces us that we surely heard God wrong--especially when the road gets tough!

There is an interesting duality I have discovered inside of me since becoming a mom. The side of me that has parental instincts that are good and must be followed, and the side of me with fleshly desires and instincts I must learn to overcome. Let me explain by first telling the story of my night last night. For the past few weeks my nearly-2-year old son has been waking up at least once in the middle of the night crying. It seems his only goal is to get me to go into his room because the moment I do he lays right back down and goes to sleep. If I don't however, he is quite persistent! So last night my husband says "we have to stop going in there or he is never going to quit. Just let him cry." Sounds logical....unless you're a mom! I laid there feeling those strings being yanked in my heart for a good 20 minutes (which of course felt like 2 hours). My gut kept telling me I needed to go check on him, but my logic was on board with my hubby. Finally my husband decides he will get up. Little man goes right back to sleep, awesome! Except not even 10 minutes later he is up crying again. Could be he didn't get his way in making mommy come in there, but something told me it was something else this time. I went in there and sure enough, poor guys diaper was too full and he was soaked. Pj's, blankets, sheets, everything! After changing everything he laid right back down and slept the rest of the night.

In so many instances parents absolutely need to follow their instincts. It may be something as small as a too-wet diaper or a much bigger issue. Second guessing that parental instinct often gets us in trouble. We are so in tuned with our children we "just know" when something is off. I sure wish the Holy Spirit wasn't so still and quiet sometimes making it hard to hear over the noise of the flesh! I am praying to become more sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. To recognize its leading as clearly and as urgently as I feel and anticipate the needs of my child. I pray that I grow and evolve to a place where just as my body has a visceral reaction to the cry of my son, so does my spirit to the whisper of the our Father. To have no choice but to act upon His call. For my obedience instinct to become as automatic as my mommy instinct. Not to trust my flesh and live life doing what FEELS GOOD, but doing what IS good in spite of how it feels. More trust, more obedience, more faith.

Thanks to my son for wetting through your diaper so that I am wide awake at 2:30am to hear the Holy Spirit whisper and feel the pen inspired. Glad I didn't sleep through this one!

Stretch your love muscles

If you are like me, at any given time in your life you tend to think "if only this ONE thing would be different my life would be so much better." Or maybe "if this ONE PERSON would get out of my life I would be happier/less stressed out." A boss that doesn't understand, a coworker who is always out to get you, there tends to be a challenging relationship (or 10) at any given time in our lives. We all know that there are growth opportunities for ourselves when it comes to our interaction with them, but we still lay our heads down at night and pray somehow the person relocates to China. The first person in my life I prayed would disappear was my older brother (sorry Ryan!). As a kid he pretty much made it his mission to make my life miserable. And he was sneaky too! He would use his newly-acquired ninjutsu skills right around my head and in my face the moment mom's back was turned. I'd go crying and tell on him and he would yell "I didn't touch her!" Well, he was right. He never actually touched me, grrrr! He knew how to push every button I had! I remember asking my mom if we could teach him a foreign language and enroll him in a foreign exchange student program. We had one from Finland at my school and she was there the whole year! Now THAT would be amazing. I prayed for that for quite some time :-)

I have grown up to love my brother and in fact, find him to be a pretty cool guy. But as a grown up sometimes my prayers are just a immature and ridiculous as the ones I prayer back then. "God please somehow pluck this one person out of my life. Thank you. Amen." Even though I learned early on we are supposed to thank God in all things, it still seems the thanks you's are on my lips, even in my head, but not so clear in my heart. Over and over I have read 1 Thessalonians 5:18: in everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Now this is a pretty elementary concept, but how many of us truly do this? For me, I have been not only learning to thank God for all things, but recognizing that He is the one who plants these people in our lives. On purpose. Can we first recognize His sovereignty and purpose for the relationship, then thank Him for it, and even grow to love that person?! Oh the growing pains! I am working on stretching those love muscles. How much flexibility does my love have? How far can it stretch? See, even God likes yoga!

I recently had that "one challenge" I was praying about daily. Not that it would disappear, but that I would learn to stretch and grow my love muscles, that I would develop more patience, and learn to see God in the face of my challenges. I almost feel guilty about how God answered my prayer. He completely removed the challenge from my life unexpectedly. Puzzled, I prayed..."God, what are You doing? I failed and failed and failed again!" The guilt came in when I thought about it....that was it. That was the last big challenge I was struggling with (at this moment). I really do have wonderful relationships in my life. I don't deserve such blessings in life when so many are facing so many tough challenges! Of course I can thank Him in all things when He has blessed me so! As I struggled with the duality of gratefulness and guilt God has spoken to my heart and made me feel so warm and loved. I still have plenty of struggles and challenges in life, but my heart is finally starting to change. The thankfulness is no longer just on my lips and in my head. It has grown in my heart. I am learning to trust him on a deeper level. One that surpasses stress and worry. Although I have not yet "arrived" because I know better than that, I am so grateful that God is becoming bigger in my life than my challenges. That faith is becoming an automatic response to a problem. With the many more challenges to come and the inevitable failures I will face, I know that God is continuing to work in me and that I will learn to stretch my love in new ways every day.

Titus 3:5 
He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit

More than a pep talk

Sometimes a pep talk is exactly what you need. Say you are an athlete and your coach gives the most inspiring, motivating speech you have ever heard. You are FIRED UP--ready to tackle the world! But no amount of enthusiasm can make up for not knowing how to play the game. I mean, if you don't know the rules how can you play right? That's how I feel about our walk with God. There is a time and a place for the inspiring, motivating message. It can pick us up, light a fire, and force us to get moving! But if we don't understand the mind and heart of God, don't understand the rules of the game, how far will our excitement take us? How long will that fire burn? If we do not dig into the Word and study and pray for eyes to see and ears to hear not only His words but His intent, if we do not gain knowledge and strive for wisdom and growth, no amount of enthusiasm will be enough to sustain us and guide us through the trials of life. We will start the day high and as our boss yells at us, our toddler hides our keys, and we get a flat tire we will have to ride the roller coaster back up with the next message. Its like eating a candy bar when you are hungry. You may feel good for a little bit, but without a meal you will crash. We need to focus on His word and intentions for us. That way when the negatives of the world pile up, even if our enthusiasm wanes, we will always have a smoldering fire, an inner sense of peace because we see the big picture.
Let us build a foundation of knowledge and form walls with love and God will put a roof of wisdom over our heads. Let us feel an inner happiness that bubbles over and comes out of us naturally. This will touch others in a way more meaningfully than a great pep talk that burns out like sugar in our blood.

Acts of Kindness

For my 30^th birthday this month I decided to steal an idea from many others and perform 30 random acts of kindness. I am currently on number 19 and as I continue, my constant prayer is that I give with the right spirit and intentions. Not for show. Not for recognition or what others think. It may seem weird to be struggling with this, but helping others does feel good. So it makes me examine my heart to be sure my intentions are not selfish in nature. Today I read a daily devotional about being a true giver. It quoted the story in Luke about the poor widow who gave her last few cents to the treasury and Jesus recognizing her gift as the greatest of all. She was focused on Him and not if others saw her. Her motives were pure. As I prayed for my own motives for the remaining acts of kindness I will perform this month I suddenly remembered something from my childhood I had completely forgotten.

I could not have been more than 7 or 8 years old and I lived in a very small town--the kind where you were still allowed to go out and play without constant supervision. I was out in the front yard and I saw a woman I had seen many times before. She was pushing a shopping cart collecting cans. I am still not sure if she was homeless or just very poor. She was always dressed in shabby, worn clothing and looked like she needed a shower and a good night’s sleep. No doubt most people in town knew who she was and what her story was, but as young as I was I had no idea and I was too scared to ask anyone. I remember standing in my driveway that day, looking at her, and starting to pray for her. I wished so hard that there was something I could do to help her. I wished I had a whole truck full of cans I could give her! I prayed and I prayed. It tugged at my soul to see her look so sad.

 I went into my bedroom, grabbed my pink pig bank (an actual piggy bank ha!) and took out two quarters. I can’t remember if that is all I had, but if not I know it was close. As I stared at them I wanted nothing more than to give them to her, but at that time I was PAINFULLY shy. The thought of walking up to her made my stomach turn. I was embarrassed just thinking about it. I really did feel convicted to help this woman and thought God was telling me to! I wished I could be invisible and just magically drop the coins into her hand and float away. My compassion for her somehow overrode all my fears and I walked across the street, through the playground, and halfway through a field to catch up with her and, with a huge lump and no words in my throat, held the coins out. I cannot even remember the words she said to me, but as many adults would do in that situation, she graciously turned down my offer. I was mortified. No doubt my face was bright red and my heart beating a mile a minute all the way home. I was so confused—thought I was wrong about what God told me—thoughts too grown up for a first grader.

Looking back I cannot help but laugh at how that must have looked. I can think of few moments in my life that have been more awkward! But as I complete my acts of kindness and strive to do better about reaching out and helping others in my life, I pray for that same innocence of heart that I had with my quarters that day--a true heart of giving, unconcerned about what I have left over or who will know what I did--a compassion for others that overrides my selfishness and pride.