Guilt or Regret

We have all made mistakes. We have all done things worthy of forgiveness. Things we wish we could take back, handle differently, or simply erase from our history. The “big things” that fit those descriptions in my life, I really feel I have dealt with for the most part. I have asked forgiveness from people and from God, prayed and felt I had forgiven myself, and changed my future behavior so as not to make those same mistakes again. So why is it every once in a while this rock drops itself into the bottom of my stomach and I am right back to beating myself up about it again? Have I not forgiven myself? Is my faith so thin I feel that somehow God has not forgiven me? Do I feel the need to be a martyr? Am I feeling guilty all over again? I have always said guilt is a wasted emotion. It gets us nowhere—changes nothing. So what is my problem?

One little conversation with my dad about this topic lead me to a serious “ah ha” moment. He simply said “well, you have to recognize the difference between guilt and regret. If you cannot tell the difference then it is probably guilt.” Immediately it hit me – THAT’S IT! It is not that I still feel guilty. It’s not that I keep picking back up the cross I laid down and trying to carry it again myself. It is that I have grown, I have changed. As I look back to mistakes of the past, I regret that I behaved a certain way, or said something hurtful. Things I would not do at this point in my life. It is perfectly healthy to feel regret. In fact it’s good! It shows that I would not repeat it now! We have all heard the term forgive and forget, but who really forgets? Remembering and thinking “wow, how could I have ever done that?” shows growth. So my hope is that we can all recognize the difference between guilt and regret. And for those living with nagging guilt, I pray you can move forward to the place of peace and maybe simply regret. So when that rock drops itself in my stomach I can recognize that it just means I am still sorry about my bone head moves, but that’s it. One less chain that keeps me bound up inside.

Cheers to being freer today than we were yesterday and freer tomorrow than we were today.

Rising above the noise

The negative voices in my head:

There are a million mommy blogs out there! They talk about how to change the perfect diaper, what's the best brand of diaper, what to feed your kids, how long to breastfeed--the list goes on and on. They are wonderful. I have read them myself as I struggled with each topic of motherhood in effort to be the best mom I can possibly be for my son. So what is different about me? What is different about what I have to say?

I feel as if there is a voice inside of me screaming "don't forget about me!" I went from nurturing this character of mine -- molding and shaping it through education, prayer, and life experience; to ignoring it completely overnight. And you know what, I am fine with that....temporarily. Temporarily the only focus I was even capable of was meeting every need of this new life I created and love so deeply it hurts. But at what point do we as moms remember there is still a person in there? One that God created for a purpose and a plan. Motherhood may be our most important job, but is it our only job?

How long will you ignore the person you are on the inside? One day your kids will move out and move on. You owe it to yourself to celebrate each season with joy and peace. So, I am choosing to listen to a friend who told me "who cares how many other people have written about what you feel inspired to write about? No one will say it like you."

What are your gifts?

Have you ever wanted to be crafty? I mean seriously, how amazing are those people on Etsy and Pinterest? I have wanted for so long to be able to visualize and create amazing things out of ordinary items. For people to walk in my house and think "how cute" or "wow, I never would have thought to do that, but I love it!" But instead, I see stuff at TJ Maxx I love and get it home, plop it on a shelf, and feel disappointed it didn't melt into the décor and transform the room into cohesive beauty. Nope--in my house it's just a pretty, but slightly out-of-place candle sitting on a shelf. You know what though, that's not my gift. And that's ok because I am discovering what my gifts really are.

So what are my gifts? What is my ministry? I know a beautiful, eclectic woman whose ministry (and job) is de-cluttering people's homes and heads and creating beautiful spaces for peaceful living both physically and mentally. Thank God for people like her because I would be flat out terrible at that job! One of the gifts I have uncovered is the ability to connect with people on a real level, underneath a few layers. I understand, I care, I get it. I'm the one you allow yourself to say things out loud to for the first time to see what it really sounds like put into words. The one in which you can feel the comfort of not being judged.The evolution of self discovery has no ending. So I am learning to enjoy and embrace the process. For now I am happy to have the clarity to see a gift I have been given instead of focusing on the many things I am no good at.

Why a blog?

Although I always enjoy writing, I had honestly never even considered starting a blog. A friend brought up that I should start one and my immediate thought was, "is it narcissistic of me to think that people care and want to hear about my life and what goes on in my head?" I mean, sure, my best friend wants to hear it. My husband wants to hear most of it, but really, do people care? Let me take you through the progression that brought me here.

I literally knew 12 other women who were pregnant at the same time as me. It seemed everyone I called and told my exciting news to said "me too!" I guess I hit that age all of a sudden. Not all were close, personal friends, some were social media friends I once knew more personally or distant relatives, but never-the-less--12!! It has been so much fun watching and hearing about each woman's experiences and struggles. Now that my son is 18 months old, the pregnancy/childbirth stories have evolved into parenting and self-discovery.

The bond among mothers is like no other and as I sit with friends over a quiet cup of coffee (yeah right, who am I kidding--over barney and tantrums), I realize that my thoughts, my struggles, the tug and pull that is being a mom, is shared among all of us. And although we cant solve each others life rubrics, we feel better knowing someone understands. Someone feels the same way. I am not crazy--or even abnormal.

Narcissism?
No.

Answers to life's problems?
Nope.

A glimpse into your own life through a new lens?
Maybe.

Comfort knowing you are not in this alone?
Bingo.

We are all in this together

Today is the day

This is it! Today is the day! Today is the day I will eat better, work out (at least get in a good run with the jogging stroller).....I will take a shower and look presentable (ok, acceptable). I will be super mom, cook dinner, and finally start that blog I have been thinking about starting forever......

Nice thought huh? Well, maybe I was wrong. Maybe tomorrow is the day. Maybe today calls for a few edits and deletions on the to-do list. I mean, sometimes smelling good is overrated and a bowl of cereal counts as dinner, right?

Buy hey, the blog is started! That accomplishment alone erases at least five other things off the list anyhow. And just maybe, there is another smelly mom munching on a bowl of cheerios (plain because you forgot to buy the honey nut kind for yourself)who found a moment in her day to sit down. One who can relate to my life and maybe even feel inspired to carve out time in her busy life to do some of the things that make her remember the person she is inside--that person she spent years focusing on improving before she gently placed it aside the moment she laid eyes on her perfect little miracle. And now its crammed under a pile of blocks....behind the choo choo train, in front of the changing table, and you can't remember where the heck you even put it in the first place!

We, as women and as moms, must remember to support each other. To help remind each other that we are not alone. That the thoughts that swirl around in our minds, the inner struggles we wrestle with, are more universal than you think. We must remember that under all the titles we have is a person. A human being with hopes and dreams dying to be accomplished; and fears and struggles waiting to be overcome. That person inside cannot be put on the back burner for 18 years or until retirement. Your purpose it too important to be ignored until you have the time and energy to pay attention to it.