Fear confessions

My blogging has slowed and all of a sudden in reading a book given to me by a friend I realize exactly why.  I couldn't put my finger on it before other than the feeling that being pregnant and re-submerged in a world of diapers and feedings somehow made my mission with this blog impossible to maintain.  But at this moment as I lay on my couch with a sleeping baby on one arm and my Kindle book in the other,  I have the sting of tears in my eyes and lump in my throat that can only mean the words on the page have reached in and found a tender spot in my heart.  The root cause of which I only felt the symptoms of. You see,  being a mom is the most important,  special,  meaningful thing I have ever and will ever do. I've accepted my new job title,  embraced it fully,  and no longer feel ashamed to say "I'm just a mom" when people ask what I do. In fact, now intake the “just” out of the sentence and smile as I answer “I am a mom”.  It's the most challenging thing I have done and I take pride in the fact that I am molding 2 precious lives.  So what is the worry in the back of my mind when I think about my future?  What is that uneasy emotion I try to ignore because I can't describe it or because I know it is riddled with a lack of faith in Gods plan for me?  I finally know what it is because the raw emotion filling my being tells me I uncovered and exposed something real.  I'm afraid at the end of this amazing chapter in life--after I watch my kids go to high school,  graduate,  go to college,  get married--I'll be lost. Its recent enough now for me to remember what it felt like to have a career and goals for my education and future career.  But where will I be when this chapter is over?  Who will I be?  Will I be relevant? Will I just be a used up, tired mom who forgot what it was like to have dreams and goals and purpose outside of tiny, needy hands and feet? Will I look in the mirror when my last is in kindergarten or graduating high school and find a blank stare and a terrified "now what? " How can you not lose your identity when everything in your nature says my identity IS my kids right now?  How can I look into their little faces and not want to live each day for them?  I can't even want to live for myself or even peel myself off the couch to go to the restroom when my 7 week old is asleep on my arm.

Every time I think about it, I hold on to the feeling inside that tells me God has plans for me. Plans that may include motherhood but don't end with it.  Faith that this season in life is also molding and shaping me for a fulfilling and meaningful one when my kids are independent. But the reality is there is fear and shortcoming in my faith when I think about my future as my kids grow up.  Fear that the working world will have moved on without me. That I will no longer have a place in careers that are moving forward and making a difference. That maybe at best I will find a way to make money but that my youthful dreams of touching lives and being satisfied by a job will not be achievable.  That I will float through the rest of my life never finding that place I spent my entire 20s preparing myself for. Will the answers come when I walk through it? Will I start with a new chapter of a new book just as this one is ending? Or will this time somehow be my training ground and be seamlessly intertwined with the next? Will it be a long, bumpy path straight up a mountain or will I not even notice the slow transition from daily motherhood monotony to His intentions for my future?

 

So many questions I don't have the answer to right now. Questions I didn't anticipate having at 30 years old. But I wont stop praying that I live according to His will and recognize divine opportunities that are sometimes hidden in the everyday.

Taking responsibility

To start this post I would like to say it is not meant to be insulting, degrading, or offensive to anyone. It is a reflection of my personal frustration that lights a fire in me and I hope it does in you too.

It is time to start taking responsibility for our physical and spiritual health. It is not OK to just show up to church a blank slate every Sunday and expect the pastor to tell you what you need to know about God. It is not OK to show up to your doctor and expect them to tell you everything you need to know about being healthy. Sure, these people are educated and trained but does that make them perfect? No. Does that mean what they tell you is it? Everything? Absolutely not. For one, they have spent years and often a lifetime learning and cannot possibly relay everything to you. If you do not have the right questions or have all the time in the world, you cannot obtain all information from these people. Second, they are humans trained by other humans. Right there leaves a huge margin of error in their understanding. Both spiritual and physical health is a lifelong journey for all of us. No one has arrived. There is no amount of knowledge that can be attained that allows us to kick up our feet and say "there, I passed the test. I know everything. School is over." I am sick to death of hearing people say things like "I eat burgers, fries, and junk every day but my doctor says I am healthy." You are fooling yourself if you think that is true. Sure, your blood pressure may be OK for now. The scale may even be OK for now. But if you are not giving your body what it needs to function properly, you are a slippery slope to disease. Maybe not today, but one day it WILL catch up and will it really make you feel any better to play the victim and claim your doctor never told you?

This is really me thinking "out loud" so to speak because I get frustrated with myself in these areas too. I love to listen to bible studies and read books, but I often get frustrated with myself for my lack of understanding on my own. Guidance is good but not in the place of personal spiritual growth which comes from my relationship with the Lord--not from the mouth of man. And physical health, ugh, another overwhelming subject that leaves many throwing their hands up saying "yeah, well EVERYTHING causes cancer so whatever!" This is not OK. It is not OK to keep poisoning ourselves because there is controversy surrounding what is poison. Just like it is not OK to throw in the towel on God because there is controversy surrounding what beliefs are true. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and make decisions/learn faith and come to our conclusions on what is truth. What is right for us. What consequences can we live with? This may look different for you than it does for me and that is OK! We are all different. We are all allowed to be wrong. But to be ignorant to all of it, to not come to any conclusions for lack of effort, to float through life as if there are no consequences to our choices (or lack thereof) is not only ludicrous but dangerous.

Let us not be satisfied when we feel sick and tired and our doctor tells us we are fine. Let us not be satisfied when the medical community says things are safe that go against nature and our moral fiber. Remember all the things we used to accept as safe that are now deemed deadly? I find it hard to believe that as people grabbed cigarettes back in the day and hacked and coughed as they smoked them that there was no part of them that thought "this may be not good for my health". Just because something wont kill you today doesn't mean it isn't killing you. God may not appear in your bedroom at night in a fiery cloud telling you to change your ways, but that does not mean the way you live your life is not killing you. Life does not have to be endured. It does not have to be riddled with pain, pointlessness, or emptiness. I am not promising anyone that there is a formula that will make you feel like rainbows and sunshine everyday in either of these aspects of life, but it is our responsibility to ourselves, our children, God, to dig! Dig for information, learn about your body, soul, and spirit. Get tuned in to the point you can listen to your instincts and trust them. Is what my pastor said really in line with what I believe? Does it "sit right" with me? Is the pharmaceutical propaganda really the way it is? Does it make sense according to my understanding? Are these side effects "perfectly normal" and "just fine" with me? Am I simply not sure? Let me not rest until I am sure, not because I have given up.

Its not easy to go against the grain. And I am not saying it is always necessary to do so. I am just saying, be educated. Be responsible for you. Know WHY. If you don't know why, ask why--ask why not. Because at the end of the day I can only live with the consequences I consciously chose, for a reason. Not the one I blindly followed because so many others did too. I will not find comfort in being a victim because I chose not to research. We are all smart and capable. I will not let a pastor or doctor make me feel as though I am not. I will seek guidance and counsel but will not allow anyone to take away my self efficacy.

One crazy birth story

As many of you know Miss Lydia Hooper made her grand entrance into this world on Monday (May 19) and her arrival was well...eventful to say the least. For those of you interested in the whole story read on!

So Sunday night, I go to bed alone since "Operation keep-our-toddler-in-his-own-bed" includes Daddy sleeping on a air bed on Zayne's floor. I wasn't feeling very great and didn't sleep well, but that is normal for 38 weeks pregnant. I was up and down all night. Around 5:30 AM my back started to really hurt. I noticed a sharper burning sensation in my low back that would ease up a little here and there and I started to wonder if I was at the beginning of labor. I heard the words of the doula I took that birthing class from and decided to lay there and continue to try to rest, not turning on any lights or electronics. By 6:30 AM, the sun had (finally) come up so I grabbed my phone and downloaded an app to start tracking contractions. At this point I was certain that was what I was feeling. Ronnie (my husband) and Zayne (my 2.5 year old) came and crawled into bed with me at 7:30. It was a peaceful 30 minutes we all laid in bed and talked, prayed, giggled with Z, and Ronnie called work to let them know he would not be in (even though I told him he could probably go in for a couple hours and get some things wrapped up). We got up at 8AM. And the fun begins.....

My goal all along was to labor at home for a while so I wouldn't be stuck on my back in a hospital bed for 9 hours like I was with my son. I suspected this labor would go a bit faster, but never dreamed it would ever turn out like it did. I took a shower and took my time getting last minutes items into my hospital bag. Ronnie got Z some breakfast and I proceeded to call a couple friends and send a few text messages. Ronnie came into the bathroom at one point while I was chatting with a friend and drying my hair and said "ok, we better go. I don't want to have the baby in the car" (God was laughing at this point I am sure of it). I finished up and looked into my own eyes in the mirror as I prayed and tried to give myself a pep talk about having a naturally delivery. I prayed I would be strong enough to do it (with STRONG doubts in my head that I would).

8:30 AM



                                                                           

                                               
My 38 week checkup was scheduled for 11 AM that day and a part of me thought I may still go in for that appointment. But my doctor's office was going to open at 9 (just an hour after I got out of bed) so I called at 9:02 to see what she suggested I do. I sat down at the kitchen table with a bowl of Cinnamon Chex and as I explained everything to the doc she said to go ahead and head in to labor and delivery. I didn't have much of an appetite all the sudden so I just grabbed some yogurt for the road and we left. The last contraction as we walked out the door was pretty strong. I shoved everything in my hands into Ronnie's arms as I doubled over thinking "ok yeah, time to go."

My friend Christy who lives just a few blocks from the hospital was going to babysit Z for us that day. At first the plan was to drop him off at her place on the way, but about 3 blocks from home I changed my mind on that plan and had Ronnie call and ask her to meet us at the hospital. I started a group text to all the friends and family who had asked to be on the list of people we informed it was baby day. A mile or so into the drive two of my contractions came back to back and I breathlessly said to Ronnie "ugh, I need a break between those!" From there on out there would be no break. The drive became a blur as I tried really hard to stay quiet and not scare my son to death. I heard his sweet little voice in the backseat say "its okay Mama, don't cry. I will kiss it." Early on I assured him I was fine, but as the contractions intensified I could not longer contain the noises escaping from my mouth. I do remember looking out the window at one point to notice the giant Prestonwood Church only to have it register that we were only about half way there. I screamed "PASS THESE PEOPLE!" as Ronnie went about 60mph in a 30mph zone. I believe it was somewhere around there in the drive I asked my husband for an epidural...."Ok, I changed my mind, I want the epidural now!" Meanie wouldn't give me one humph. It was about then too that I realized I was still clutching my phone with intentions of finishing that text. Shortly after I threw my phone on the floor board.

The next 2 miles turned into blood curdling screams I really still cannot believe were me. If you know me you know I am not one to scream. Ever. About anything. Not on roller coasters, not if you scare the daylights out of me, I am pretty sure I would not scream if you told me I won the lottery. I just don't do it. That day I could have been cast in any horror movie ever made. My body was about 100 steps ahead of my brain because I actually still thought that checking in to the hospital and getting an epidural would be possible. Although I could not quite imagine how I was going to walk and get changed into a gown. That might be tricky. I remember actually apologizing to Ronnie for screaming and saying "but I cant stop!" The split second dialog in my head is pretty funny now that I think back on it because I was thinking I need to take my seat belt off and take off my pants, but another part of me was mortified at the thought of showing up with no pants on and another part of me knows how upset Ronnie gets when I take my seat belt off when we are driving (ha). Needless to say basic instinct won and here I was less than a mile from the hospital screaming "Oh no, I am pushing!" and Ronnie putting his hand on my stomach saying "well, stop pushing!" I will spare the gory details (as if this hasn't been enough already) and just say Ronnie had to make a very important decision at that moment as we were passing a fire station just 2 blocks from the hospital. He was thinking "do I stop or do I gun it through one last intersection?" He checked to see if he could feel her head since my water had broken at that point and I was pushing (sorry TMI!). Since he couldn't, he gunned it through the last intersection (a green light, thank you Jesus). I looked over and saw the hospital and begged and begged for him to pull in as we passed several entrances (he was going to the ER).

We FINALLY pulled in to the ER maybe 12-15 minutes after we pulled away from home. He honked at a couple walking in to the ER and swerved around them as he threw the car in park and sprinted into the ER. He pried the automatic doors open and screamed at anyone who would listen "My wife is having a baby - NOW!!!" A team of people jumped up to help and one grabbed a wheel chair. He said "No, you don't understand, I mean NOW!" At that point I am fully prepared to catch my own baby, unconsciously accepting that not only was a private child birth out of the cards for me, so was my coveted epidural. Along with nurses, volunteers, a firefighter, and whoever else came to my rescue, Ronnie came around to check on me from the drivers seat (which I was half-occupying at that point). I screamed "get Zayne away from me now!" Apparently he made it into the ER with Zayne just in time not to witness the delivery, but they were not spared the screams you could no doubt here in Oklahoma. A sweet nurse came around to the drivers seat and grabbed my shoulders and said "we are going to have this baby right here" and seconds later was telling me to push. With the middle console in my rib cage and a foot on the dash, my daughter was born right there in the front seat of my Toyota Four Runner about 3-4 minutes after we pulled up!

In spite of the shock I was in that would last for the next 2 days, I was completely tuned in listening for the sounds of an infant cry among all the buzz from the 12 people surrounding me talking about clamping, cutting, and whatever else. I heard the nurse behind my shoulders say 9:27AM as I held my breath waiting to hear a cry. A few seconds later I heard my sweet baby cry and immediately breathed out "Oh, thank you God". There was not even a doctor present yet, but a man came out and as I saw him reach for the baby I heard words like "clamp" and "cut the cord" but did not realize until he tried to pick her up that the cord was still attached. I so eloquently screamed "still attached!!" I guess someone came up with some scissors and since the parking lot was full of ER staff and not labor and delivery staff, they rushed her inside to grab blankets and get her warm and make sure she was breathing ok. I honestly did not even know she was gone because the moment they got inside they were intercepted by labor and delivery nurses who ordered them to bring the baby back out to mama NOW and get her skin to skin. In that 15 second stretch I sat up, grabbed the "Oh crap" handle of the car, looked at the woman who just caught my baby, and said "NOT in my birth plan!" Meanwhile Ronnie is in the ER holding Zayne and sees his daughter fly by him and says "hey, is that my baby?" They said "yes!" and quickly showed him and said "but we have to get her back out to mama". He yelled "are they ok?" as they ran back outside and he heard a fleeting "yes, they are good!"

Meanwhile back outside, the only man I remember seeing out there is helping me get out of the car and onto a stretcher. They are all buzzing around me talking about cutting my shirt off so they can get the baby skin to skin as they were told. Well, I had just bought that nursing tank so I offered to just take it off (I mean, why waste 20 bucks right?). I looked down at my sweet baby girl and remember trying to ask people if I should try to feed her since the books I read said to always get them to nurse as soon as possible. No one was listening to me so I just went ahead. Never in my life could I imagine I would be naked, in parking lot, nursing my daughter after just giving birth. In a car. In public. Yes, they did have sheets and blankets at that point so I am hoping I was at least mostly covered. But as they wheeled me inside and the sun was no longer shining bright in my eyes I realized I still had my sunglasses on my face. Apparently I gave birth with my cute, new black sunglasses with little rhinestones on the side. I chuckled as I heard comments about paparazzi and joked "no pictures please". I'll tell you what, the look on one patient's face who was standing in the hall in her gown wheeling her IV bag (no doubt trying to get her labor to progress), was classic. As we rolled by Ronnie looked at her and said "good job getting here.You don't want to have it in the car"

So little Lydia Rea joined us, just 25 minutes after I had calmly called my doctor that morning, at 9:27 AM on May 19th, 2014. She weighed 6lbs, 8oz and was 18.5 inches long. She is healthy and just perfect. In retrospect maybe shaving my legs in the shower was not the best decision I have ever made! And a lesson for all of you, be careful what you pray for. God took me very seriously when I said I wanted to try to have a natural childbirth!

The aftermath of the whole experience has been an adventure in and of itself. First of all, my son handled things surprisingly well and has recovered from it all. It took about 2 solid days of asking me "mama ok?" and reassuring himself over and over "mama's ok", for him to feel fully comfortable that I am alright. He has been more independent than ever and stayed with Christy and Grammy and Papa like a big boy while we were in the hospital. He came to visit and even left without me without a fuss. I am so proud of him and grateful that God was with him through the whole thing taking care of him. Later in the day I got a call from the PR woman for the hospital asking if she could share my story on the hospital's facebook page and possibly send it to some local news outlets to see if they were interested in running a story. I reluctantly said "sure" doubting anyone else would really care. But sure enough, we were on the 6 and 10PM NBC news the next day! Many of the sweet ER staff came up to visit us and check on us. They were beaming. Hearing their interviews for the news was awesome. I got to hear the whole story from their perspective. It sounded even crazier coming from them! But it was very cool to see how excited they all were. They see so much tragedy in the emergency room, they were all on cloud 9 getting to be a part of something so happy and positive. Hours later when my mother and father-in-law got there from Lubbock they walked through the ER to find us and said everyone was still talking about it and high-fiving each other. There was a buzz in there the rest of the day!

Just one day after our exciting entrance to the hospital, we were walking out - NBC cameras in tote filming the late night follow up story. Our perfect little angel has had quite the exciting life for a 6 day old and really has been an adventure since we learned of her existence. I cant help but wonder if she was paying me back for zip-lining while I was pregnant with her :-) Or maybe I just created an adrenaline junkie early on! Either way, she will have a fun (or incredibly embarrassing) story to tell as she gets older because no doubt none of us will ever let her forget how she came into the world. I never knew my heart was capable of so much love especially after having my son, but somehow it happens the moment you lay eyes on your children for the first time.

Link to the 6PM news story: http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/Baby-Delivered-Outside-of-ER_Dallas-Fort-Worth-260042771.html

Link to the 10PM news story: http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/Mother-Recounts-Dramatic-Delivery-Outside-of-ER-260024931.html

Link to a local newspaper that ran our story as well: http://starlocalmedia.com/planocourier/news/trip-to-hospital-turns-into-adventure/article_1c3db2ea-e1fb-11e3-b075-001a4bcf887a.html

Mom Island

Just like so many other women out there who are moms, I have learned what it feels like to be on Mom Island. You know, that place where no one speaks your language, you are surrounded by crying and other attempts at basic communication, and even though you have a phone and a car somehow you feel alone. So naturally you do not acknowledge the lonely feelings. Instead you simply get up and tackle the day the same way you always do. You meet the needs of everyone else around you who depends on you and do the best job you know how. And if you are anything like me, you are the only one who sees all the stressors running in the background. You are the only one who feels pressures from every angle but keeps going as if Ring around the Rosy IS your only concern.

Just as I anticipated the beginning of 2014 to be challenging, it has proven me right! Before this year even started I told myself I would reach out to others more and I would ask for help if I needed it. And once again I have not done this....until last week. I found myself driving for miles after my "E" light came on with no plans to stop for gas. Call it almost-8-months-pregnant hormones, call it exhaustion from a 2 year old that wont stay in his new big boy bed at night, or call it good old self pity I don't know, but I reached that point where I just plain ran out of gas. As usual I turned to God with an even greater focus and attention than I (sadly) allow for most days. As I prayed I began to realize that He has put so many amazing, Christian friends in my life. People who would be sad to know that I was holding back from leaning on them in the hectic times because I don't want to burden them. I put myself in their shoes for a moment and thought about how great it makes me feel when God uses me to bless others. It is the best feeling when I am able to be there to support someone who needs a hand. So I did that thing we moms find more difficult than shouldering the weight of the world with a smile on our faces. I reached out and asked for help. Well, for prayers really. I actually used my phone to have a real conversation about how much I am struggling and sent a couple texts asking for prayer (hey, its 2014, its what we do!). Of course, I had to preface these messages with "I am ok" and "no one died" because it is so rare that we women reach out for emotional support that others seem to think the worst when we do! Its sad really. But let me just tell you what our God did for me. He reminded me that He purposefully placed people in my life who would love to be there to listen and pray for me. And He sent more comfort and encouragement than I could have asked for.

I have had friends cook amazing, homemade dinners and invite me over, I have been offered babysitting (which I actually took them up on) and saw a movie (NOT animated even!), I have had visitors, play dates, and phone calls. God has truly blessed me with friends who are the perfect examples of what Christian friendships should be. I feel guilty sometimes for getting to that point when I know that God is always by my side each and every moment and yet I sometimes feel alone. I hate that my faith feels lacking in times like that. But its incredibly comforting to know that He will send the right people into my life at the right times so that I may experience His love and encouragement in a human way. I wanted to share my recent experiences in hopes that others out there on their own Mom Island might have the courage to reach out. I imagine God has strategically placed at least one person in your life who is ready to listen and pray and give you that hug you need. Its amazing what such a small gesture can do to lighten the load.

Servanthood

What has been on my mind more than anything these days is something I struggle to articulate. A mission, a calling, a struggle.....something that seems so basic and blasé to the average Christian that many skim right over it.....being a servant. I know what you are thinking: of course I know, Jesus came to serve and is our shining example as Christians of how we should serve each other as servants of Christ. That is why you try to help out at church when you can or give your neighbor a hand when you can find a minute. I have felt that way my whole life, you know, looking for ways I can help others and thinking about ways I could volunteer some time. All while pursuing my next promotion/raise or better paying job, finishing my degree, and improving my home (things) and my look (hair, makeup, teeth whitening, etc). Much of my twenties was spent on self improvement. It was not all bad, I mean, I did accomplish a lot. I did grow up and learn a lot about myself. I even focused on spiritual growth which I admit was not always top priority in my day to day actions.

All of the corporate ladder climbing, up-all-night-studying, pressure to maintain a 4.0 and graduate, has led me here. A stay-at-home mom with a home daycare. Glamorous I know. No more getting up in the morning and putting on clothes that make me feel important, no more important title to slap on a business card, no more big commission check to make me feel accomplished. A full blown conversation is even rare in my days! Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about my life at all. I chose this and continue to choose it each and every day. I would not change it for anything. My question to God is, why this? What in this time of my life am I to learn? How can I grow and become the person you intend for me to be? How does this stage prepare me for the next? The answer is, I am learning to serve. Anytime I feel frustrated, impatient, or unimportant I can see how I am failing to be a true servant. I start to feel down when I look for recognition, reward, and all the other ego-boosting things we get when we wear a sign (aka a post on facebook) that says "Hey look at me I just helped someone with a flat tire!" or "Hey, I just volunteered at the food bank!" When I crave to have the skin, body, wardrobe, title, and recognition I once had; that is when I get in trouble. My daily accomplishments can seem mundane and pointless at times without viewing the whole picture. No one is here to say thank you mommy for picking up all those toys for the tenth time today so we can see the floor! And what may be the biggest pity party I throw is how society views someone like me as someone without a "real job" or worse, lazy.

There is a point, or several points, in all this rambling I promise! It takes me digging inside and seeking God daily to keep me in the right frame of mind and get over the self-serving desires so prevalent in my flesh! I am doing God's work every day. I am not washing feet, but I am changing diapers. I am not becoming an executive, but I am caring for the 4 most important people in the world each and every day. And the times I start to feel insignificant or unhappy I have to check my focus. If I am focused on recognition I have failed to find my significance in Christ and if I am busy pursuing self-serving happiness I lose sight of the joy that fills my soul when I seek God's will. Most of you have probably read Mark 9:35: "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else." But yet we would all still much rather be important - or FEEL important. I am no exception. I certainly let pride hinder me from becoming a servant of Christ. It is interesting that my evolution of self looks an awful lot like de-evolution from the outside looking in. I will close with something interesting I stumbled across after writing this:

"...we need to understand this aspiration for status actually stems from a failure to rest in one’s significance in the Savior. When Christians fail to rest in who they are in Christ, they will constantly be battling the need for importance or significance from within their own desires and felt needs." (bible.org)

Back at it!

Throughout my first pregnancy and for the first 18 months after my son was born I was in what I like to refer to as a "baby fog". I mean, life revolved around his naps and nursing. Especially since I had decided to be a stay at home mom, my purpose became to meet his needs and be the best parent I could be. And that takes all your energy when you never sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time! Something happened when my son turned 18 months old though. First off I weaned him (well, he really weaned himself), and he started sleeping through the night consistently. It was only then that I realized the fog my brain was in - I guess I must have gotten used to it. I actually got to SLEEP for the first time in what felt like a lifetime! My brain started missing all the personal growth and development I was so dedicated to prior to my little bundle of joy. I guess my capacity for learning and thinking in general was back in full force. That is one thing that inspired me to start this blog. The old me was back, only better. Better because now I have a whole new element of depth to my character. A whole new understanding of love. A new perspective on the things I am capable of and most of all, a new outlook on who I am.

So here I am now 21 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and a funny thing has happened - my brain chemistry has shifted again! I am nesting, resting, and fully consumed by preparing for a new life and dynamic in our household. Its not on purpose either. We do not force ourselves to start preparing for a baby in the home. It is not about the check list of things to do before the due date. No, it is chemical--hormonal. I am in awe of how God has orchestrated nature and maternal instincts. As that baby grows for 9 months so does a mother's soul. If you stop and pay attention you can really feel it. Your needs and wants start to change. You change.

I have always felt that "I don't have time" is not really a valid excuse for most things in life because we make time for the things that are important to us. So, as I think about what has prevented me from blogging more regularly it is easy to say I do not have time, but it is more accurate to say I am fully inundated with motherhood! It has never been my intention to blog all about mommy topics. I want to inspire anyone, especially mothers, to dig down deep into your soul and examine the person you are and who you aspire to become. But as of now my soul is nurturing my three heartbeats and fueling my ability to pull off the amazing things mothers do day in and day out. Being a mom is so much more than the things we do, it is an experience. So, I will continue to write and let this take whichever direction it is meant to take. It will change, evolve, and grow because I continue to do all of those things. I hope that you will follow along with me! Oh and by the way, its a girl :-)