Servanthood

What has been on my mind more than anything these days is something I struggle to articulate. A mission, a calling, a struggle.....something that seems so basic and blasé to the average Christian that many skim right over it.....being a servant. I know what you are thinking: of course I know, Jesus came to serve and is our shining example as Christians of how we should serve each other as servants of Christ. That is why you try to help out at church when you can or give your neighbor a hand when you can find a minute. I have felt that way my whole life, you know, looking for ways I can help others and thinking about ways I could volunteer some time. All while pursuing my next promotion/raise or better paying job, finishing my degree, and improving my home (things) and my look (hair, makeup, teeth whitening, etc). Much of my twenties was spent on self improvement. It was not all bad, I mean, I did accomplish a lot. I did grow up and learn a lot about myself. I even focused on spiritual growth which I admit was not always top priority in my day to day actions.

All of the corporate ladder climbing, up-all-night-studying, pressure to maintain a 4.0 and graduate, has led me here. A stay-at-home mom with a home daycare. Glamorous I know. No more getting up in the morning and putting on clothes that make me feel important, no more important title to slap on a business card, no more big commission check to make me feel accomplished. A full blown conversation is even rare in my days! Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about my life at all. I chose this and continue to choose it each and every day. I would not change it for anything. My question to God is, why this? What in this time of my life am I to learn? How can I grow and become the person you intend for me to be? How does this stage prepare me for the next? The answer is, I am learning to serve. Anytime I feel frustrated, impatient, or unimportant I can see how I am failing to be a true servant. I start to feel down when I look for recognition, reward, and all the other ego-boosting things we get when we wear a sign (aka a post on facebook) that says "Hey look at me I just helped someone with a flat tire!" or "Hey, I just volunteered at the food bank!" When I crave to have the skin, body, wardrobe, title, and recognition I once had; that is when I get in trouble. My daily accomplishments can seem mundane and pointless at times without viewing the whole picture. No one is here to say thank you mommy for picking up all those toys for the tenth time today so we can see the floor! And what may be the biggest pity party I throw is how society views someone like me as someone without a "real job" or worse, lazy.

There is a point, or several points, in all this rambling I promise! It takes me digging inside and seeking God daily to keep me in the right frame of mind and get over the self-serving desires so prevalent in my flesh! I am doing God's work every day. I am not washing feet, but I am changing diapers. I am not becoming an executive, but I am caring for the 4 most important people in the world each and every day. And the times I start to feel insignificant or unhappy I have to check my focus. If I am focused on recognition I have failed to find my significance in Christ and if I am busy pursuing self-serving happiness I lose sight of the joy that fills my soul when I seek God's will. Most of you have probably read Mark 9:35: "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else." But yet we would all still much rather be important - or FEEL important. I am no exception. I certainly let pride hinder me from becoming a servant of Christ. It is interesting that my evolution of self looks an awful lot like de-evolution from the outside looking in. I will close with something interesting I stumbled across after writing this:

"...we need to understand this aspiration for status actually stems from a failure to rest in one’s significance in the Savior. When Christians fail to rest in who they are in Christ, they will constantly be battling the need for importance or significance from within their own desires and felt needs." (bible.org)

Back at it!

Throughout my first pregnancy and for the first 18 months after my son was born I was in what I like to refer to as a "baby fog". I mean, life revolved around his naps and nursing. Especially since I had decided to be a stay at home mom, my purpose became to meet his needs and be the best parent I could be. And that takes all your energy when you never sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time! Something happened when my son turned 18 months old though. First off I weaned him (well, he really weaned himself), and he started sleeping through the night consistently. It was only then that I realized the fog my brain was in - I guess I must have gotten used to it. I actually got to SLEEP for the first time in what felt like a lifetime! My brain started missing all the personal growth and development I was so dedicated to prior to my little bundle of joy. I guess my capacity for learning and thinking in general was back in full force. That is one thing that inspired me to start this blog. The old me was back, only better. Better because now I have a whole new element of depth to my character. A whole new understanding of love. A new perspective on the things I am capable of and most of all, a new outlook on who I am.

So here I am now 21 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and a funny thing has happened - my brain chemistry has shifted again! I am nesting, resting, and fully consumed by preparing for a new life and dynamic in our household. Its not on purpose either. We do not force ourselves to start preparing for a baby in the home. It is not about the check list of things to do before the due date. No, it is chemical--hormonal. I am in awe of how God has orchestrated nature and maternal instincts. As that baby grows for 9 months so does a mother's soul. If you stop and pay attention you can really feel it. Your needs and wants start to change. You change.

I have always felt that "I don't have time" is not really a valid excuse for most things in life because we make time for the things that are important to us. So, as I think about what has prevented me from blogging more regularly it is easy to say I do not have time, but it is more accurate to say I am fully inundated with motherhood! It has never been my intention to blog all about mommy topics. I want to inspire anyone, especially mothers, to dig down deep into your soul and examine the person you are and who you aspire to become. But as of now my soul is nurturing my three heartbeats and fueling my ability to pull off the amazing things mothers do day in and day out. Being a mom is so much more than the things we do, it is an experience. So, I will continue to write and let this take whichever direction it is meant to take. It will change, evolve, and grow because I continue to do all of those things. I hope that you will follow along with me! Oh and by the way, its a girl :-)