On being thankful

The recurring theme God keeps bringing to my attention in life right now is to be thankful in all things. Sure, a basic Christian concept we all strive to do. But here is the thing: While it always crosses my mind to thank Him when tough things happen in my life; I seem to have a little internal struggle with it. Not because I am unwilling, not because I am angry, bitter, or even upset! Follow my thought process and maybe you can work through this with me right here, right now.

So, God knows our heart. He knows us inside and out...better than we know ourselves. Here I am dealing with a stressful situation in my life and I am praying hard and leaning on God. I am full of faith that all will work out according to His plan. I am reminded to be thankful in all things. But I almost feel guilty thanking God when in my heart I don't FEEL so thankful this is happening to me. Of course I WANT to feel thankful and I do pray the words, but God knows my heart. He knows that I want so badly to feel as much thanksgiving as I do for the blessings in life, but how do you get to that level of faith? Maturity? Growth? Here I am stuck WANTING to be thankful, thanking God with my brain, but feeling guilty that the thanks has not fully penetrated my heart. Does He see right through my "thanks" and think "nice try"? Maybe this sounds silly but this has been an honest to goodness internal struggle for me!

It has just been this week that I started to realize that my practice in thanking Him through the challenges is my training ground for that growth I desire and so desperately need. It has become an automatic response to thank God when stressors enter my life. That is a step in and of itself! Now as my head and my lips respond correctly, I believe my heart will follow. I believe that God will honor my desire for a deeper understanding of Him and work on changing the resistance in my heart. Somewhere inside there must still be a child pouting "but its nor fair!" There must still exist a self-protecting little one in me that wants to protect my "rights" and my "things"--as if I have control over them in the first place. I find solace in knowing that Job, Ezekiel, and even Jeremiah dealt with similar feelings early in their ministries. Thankfully God does not call perfect people to work for Him. Thankfully He uses the willing, calls the imperfect, and (in love) reveals the condition of our hearts so that we might learn to overcome our imperfections.

Instincts

So often I hear people say, regarding morals and religion, "I just do what feels right" or "I follow my gut." But when your gut is full of flesh mixed with carnal instincts how can we possibly blindly follow that guidance? Sometimes God's will is uncomfortable. Oftentimes He leads us in a direction that doesn't feel so "right" at first. That's why we struggle so much with following His leading--we second guess Him. Our flesh desires the exact opposite and our "logic" convinces us that we surely heard God wrong--especially when the road gets tough!

There is an interesting duality I have discovered inside of me since becoming a mom. The side of me that has parental instincts that are good and must be followed, and the side of me with fleshly desires and instincts I must learn to overcome. Let me explain by first telling the story of my night last night. For the past few weeks my nearly-2-year old son has been waking up at least once in the middle of the night crying. It seems his only goal is to get me to go into his room because the moment I do he lays right back down and goes to sleep. If I don't however, he is quite persistent! So last night my husband says "we have to stop going in there or he is never going to quit. Just let him cry." Sounds logical....unless you're a mom! I laid there feeling those strings being yanked in my heart for a good 20 minutes (which of course felt like 2 hours). My gut kept telling me I needed to go check on him, but my logic was on board with my hubby. Finally my husband decides he will get up. Little man goes right back to sleep, awesome! Except not even 10 minutes later he is up crying again. Could be he didn't get his way in making mommy come in there, but something told me it was something else this time. I went in there and sure enough, poor guys diaper was too full and he was soaked. Pj's, blankets, sheets, everything! After changing everything he laid right back down and slept the rest of the night.

In so many instances parents absolutely need to follow their instincts. It may be something as small as a too-wet diaper or a much bigger issue. Second guessing that parental instinct often gets us in trouble. We are so in tuned with our children we "just know" when something is off. I sure wish the Holy Spirit wasn't so still and quiet sometimes making it hard to hear over the noise of the flesh! I am praying to become more sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. To recognize its leading as clearly and as urgently as I feel and anticipate the needs of my child. I pray that I grow and evolve to a place where just as my body has a visceral reaction to the cry of my son, so does my spirit to the whisper of the our Father. To have no choice but to act upon His call. For my obedience instinct to become as automatic as my mommy instinct. Not to trust my flesh and live life doing what FEELS GOOD, but doing what IS good in spite of how it feels. More trust, more obedience, more faith.

Thanks to my son for wetting through your diaper so that I am wide awake at 2:30am to hear the Holy Spirit whisper and feel the pen inspired. Glad I didn't sleep through this one!